Ballin’ out of control and you’re still an idiot

Ed Hardy makes you cool....right?

Ed Hardy makes you cool....right?

By Abhishaek Rawal

Christian Audigier, You seem like a fine upstanding individual. I mean you hail from the land of exquisite wine and cheese, how can I not like you? However, there is a bit of a problem you have created which I do not believe you are probably not aware of. If you walk around Granville Street you are bound to come across one of the many individuals “decked out” (applying my street cred here) in Ed Hardy, Christian Audigier, Smet or any other orgy of your other brands on themselves. See, this would not be as pertinent an issue if your clothing did not have the inane ability to create a douchebag out of every single individual it touched. When I say douchebag I mean full frontal head spikes (ice-tipped of course) combined with an overpowering dousing of cologne, tribal tattoos that would put barbed wire fences to shame and the pièce de résistance, $400 Dolce & Gabbana glasses worn at night.

On their own, there is absolutely nothing wrong with them, but combined with Ed Hardy clothing (among others) the individual in question turns into a deadly cocktail of pretentious idiocy and unoriginality. For example, for some reason, these ‘Audigites’ (patent pending) fail to realize that purchasing a sweatshirt covered in gold foil, skulls and dragons shooting angst and fire out of their nostrils makes them look like a shiny, quality street candy wrapper with. Adding on, no it definitely does not help when you prance around with your posse of 16 guido friends who have the strong urge to prove their masculinity by working out at the gym for 700 hours a day, while forgetting that women actually enjoy talking about a variety of topics besides your 20 inch guns you moronically named “Louis” and “Vuitton”.

If you think I simply dislike the people that wear the brand, you would be completely mistaken. I have friends that choose to hoard the same t-shirt that 172,294 people in Surrey unfortunately possess and yet I manage to stay amicable with them. It seems as though some are born with a genetic resistance to this douchebaggery, which would explain why most sane individuals do not become infected with it after repeated (and I emphasize “repeated”) exposure, while others have a genetic predisposition to the illness which is only amplified by Mr. Audigier’s fine clothing line. I, along with the millions of other concerned citizens hope that Darwinism will run its course and help us eliminate this gene altogether and progress into an era free of clothing which encourages douchebags to congregate. Mr. Audigier, I put great trust you in the hopes that you hold the secret antidote to this epidemic of idiocy (watch out swine flu) and are simply awaiting the right moment for its release. You are our saviour. Now if you will excuse me, I have an appointment with my doctor for my annual douchebag vaccine.


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