Non-issue feature: Sexuality

By Jared Vaillancourt [Creative Writing Bureau Chief]

Worried someone might be gay? Concerned that a friend may be into a weird sexual fetish that you don’t happen to share? Well, worry no more, my friends… because it’s really none of your damn business, and I’ll tell you why.

First of all, let’s look at this logically. Human beings spend about ninety-nine percent of all their time here on Earth, either sleeping, eating, relieving themselves, working or waiting for stuff (like buses, late guests, et cetera). Only one percent of your time will ever be spent on sex (if it even amounts to that much it’s also none of your concern). Conversely, and this is where the issue that shouldn’t be an issue arises, all human beings spend about ninety-nine percent of their mental capacity fantasizing or reflecting on sex, and one percent of their mental prowess thinking about other things (of course that’s a bit of a hyperbole, but it is common for everyone – and I mean everyone – to think about sex a lot). This, of course, is a practice in illogic and has in and of itself created this irrelevant controversy.

Does it really matter if someone is gay? No. This is because what they do in the privacy of their own bedroom is no one’s business but their own. It doesn’t matter if they’re into some strange positions involving toys you’d never thought could be used in the manners they’re using them in. It makes absolutely no difference to the fate of the planet whether or not they like johns or janes (or something in between). Are they ever going to approach you? Perhaps, but once you turn them down politely they’ll know you’re not into what their into… and oddly enough, unlike what most people would do, they’ll respect that.

Remember that very little time is actually devoted to acts of intimacy. The non-issue arises from our obsession and fascination with it. Sex is just another biological function, just like eating and breathing, so accept that everyone’s going to have different tastes and it doesn’t make a damn bit of difference what those are.

After all…

What if they were disgusted by what you were into?

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