Groat in the Sack: Ride the mustache...train

By Jeff Groat [lifestyle bureau chief]

If you’re wondering what that dirty thing is going around that you just can’t quite put your finger on, it’s Movember.

Despite what you may think about it, Movember isn’t an excuse to let your greasy ‘stache sprout to sexual-predator-type creepiness. If you couldn’t grow one in October, you probably shouldn’t try to grow one in November.

But for those guys who are graced with the perfect cocktail of hormonal balance, make sure you go for a look that suits your own unique style and personality.

Here are what certain types of groomed looks say about you:

The Tom Selleck:
“I’m way cooler than your dad, and your mom knows it.”

The John Lennon:
“ Razors are just another way for the man to oppress the masses, man.”

The Charles Manson:
“Can you do me a favour?”

The Freddie Mercury:
“I’m glamorous and manly all at the same time.”

The Stalin:
“Puttin’ the ‘dick’ in ‘dictator.”

The A.J. McLean:
“Yeah, I was a Backstreet Boy. Yeah, I had a goatee. Wanna fuck?”
The Charles Darwin/Karl Marx:
“Philosophizin’ to some sick beats on the gramophone.”

The Joaquin Phoenix:
I’m a pretentious bastard who thinks having a beard makes me an ‘artist.’ Whatever that is…”

The Robin Williams:
“My arms are hairier than most men’s faces.”

The Mr. T:
“I sported a beard and a Mohawk in the ‘80s. That’s before you faux-hawk guidos were even born.”

The Confucius:
“Men’s natures are alike, it is their [beards] that carry them far apart.”

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