Top ten most memorable mustaches

By Carlie Auclair [health bureau chief]

Whether you call it a soup strainer, trash stash, crumb catcher, push broom or nose bug, for centuries the moustache has been a badge of honor for many a manly man. It has prowess, dignity and makes whomever sporting it look like either a bad ass or a pervert. Either way I have chosen to give credit where I feel credit is due, and in lieu of “Movember” (the annual month long event held during November designed to raise awareness for prostate cancer) I have decided to pay homage to the nose tickling wonder that is, the mustache.

Now I can probably assume what many of you are thinking out there: is she crazy? With so many breathtaking mustaches out there how can you only choose ten? And to that, I declare that many painstaking hours have been dedicated to this hairy quest. I have thumbed through various journals, blogs and articles, as well as consulted experts in the facial hair field to come up with this highly supported and credible top ten list of the most unforgettable lip dragons of all time.

The contenders have been judged on three variables; creativity, awe inspiration and originality.  Prepare to brace yourself for one of the most epic moustache battles of all time. Some are terrifying, some you can barely look at without exploding, while others inspire the clouds to part and rain pure sunshine down on all who come in arms reach of its unbridled holiness; having said that, without further ado I present you with the ten most memorable moustaches of all time. Enjoy!

Ten – Burt Reynolds
Our Generation might know him as “Turd Ferguson” but Burt Reynolds and his beefy hunk of ‘70s mustache captured our mothers’ hearts in “Smokey and the Bandit” and won our fathers’ respect in “Deliverance.” It seemed that Burt was the mustache pioneer during most of the ‘70s. His rugged good looks and no BS attitude put the straight shootin’ movie star in our number ten position.

Nine – Adolf Hitler
This evil dictator’s juxtaposed appearance has been the subject of media ridicule for decades; and rightly so. It seems slightly odd to me that the same man, who once delivered rage filled red faced political speeches, would have such a hilariously ridiculous cartoon of a moustache. Without a doubt this little black patch of hair is probably the most widely recognized moustaches of all time and for this reason it takes our ninth spot.

Eight – Hal Johnson
Even though he has been sans facial hair for many years, Canadians will never forget growing up with this Body Break guru’s signature ebony moustache. With his short fitness commercials based on the premise of “Keeping fit and having fun,” Hal Johnson’s mustache evoked the comforting kindness of your father’s moustache which eventually won our hearts during short commercial breaks  that fell between our Saturday morning cartoons.

Seven – Mario
Although his mustache was created by a bunch of Japanese animators, the very Italian Mario from the popular video game, Mario Brothers definitely gets a spot in our mustached list. This chubby little plumber was usually fighting King Koopa or saving that whiney mushroom Toad. He seemed invincible and carefree but similar to the biblical hero Samson, would all his glory even exist without his winning lip hair?

Six – Tom Selleck
Not unlike his mustachioed predecessor Burt Reynolds, Mr. Magnum P.I. takes the number eight slot, and injects it with 80’s television show charisma and massive quantities of sex appeal.  Even though he may not be on our generation’s “Hottie List”, also like Burt Reynolds he got the moms all hot and bothered with his flattering tropical tan and Hawaiian shirt. His moustache seemed to be the perfect accoutrement to Grecian 5 hairstyle and megawatt dimples.

Five – Salvador Dali
This flamboyant artist’s love of everything that is gilded and excessive, probably contributed to the outrageous moustache he often sported. Dali is formally known for his striking surrealist images of warped melting clocks and for his unusual and grandiose behavior. With its incredibility long vertical edges that resemble vanilla beans, I would have to give this mustache extra points for originality.

Four – John Waters
Unless you are a movie buff, like me, many of you might not be familiar with this perverse film maker, or his mustache for that matter. I can assure you all that this is a mustache that might not be as loud as all the others, but it does make its mark.  The subtleties of this pencil thin upper lip line win large points for creativity. Sometimes it’s not how much you have, but it’s what you do with what you have. Whether that makes sense or not, I welcome this off the cuff movie maker in our number four spot.

Three – Frida Kahlo
Unlike all the other contenders my guess is this mustache is without much intent and despite that small detail it still is a worthy and respected opponent. Frida Kahlo was a Mexican artist, and is celebrated for her surrealist work as well as widely respected by feminists for her uncompromising depiction of the female experience and form (Ya I‘d say so!). As the only woman on this list of alpha males, Frida makes the list for her fearless pioneering into the taboo and embarrassing world of female facial hair.

Two – Albert Einstein
As we grow closer to number one, we see that brilliance has emerged in our number two position. As many of you know Albert Einstein was a theoretical physicist, philosopher and author who is widely regarded as one of the most influential and well known scientists of all time.  He also had a bushy walrus style mustache that complimented his even crazier head of hair. It makes you wonder if he really meant to write E=MC Hair.

One – Friedrich Nietzsche
Now in order to grab the coveted spot, there needed to be a stash so bad ass, that the mere sight of it evoked tear filled emotion. Indeed the very well endowed mustache of philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche delivers what I promise. This thick, bushy marvel is the antithesis to Nietzsche’s nihilistic musings because, trust me, if you see a picture of this thing you will realize there is nothing nil about it at all.