Stuff Your Dad Likes: Christmas classics

Jacob Zinn can’t give you fatherly advice, but he can embarrass you in front of all your friends.

By Jacob Zinn
[contributor]

It’s that time of year.

The time when pine trees are cut down by the dozen. The time when eggnog is spiked with rum.

The time when the same, old, boring holiday specials are the only thing on TV, other than that fireplace loop on Channel 4.

You might be content with watching A Charlie Brown Christmas for the 16th time, but your dad isn’t. He saw it when it first aired in 1965. He’s lost all pity for Charlie and his twiggy tree.

He isn’t into the ho ho ho, chubby Santa Claus, Frosty the Snowman-type cartoon Christmas movies. He wants the greatest Christmas movie of all time: Die Hard.

(Spoiler alert! Stop reading now if you don’t know parts of the Die Hard series.)

Some are of the argument that Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie, pointing out that it was a summer blockbuster and calling it an “action film.”

Those are accurate observations, but there’s something so heart-warming and seasonal in watching John McClane single-handedly kill 13 terrorists and save 30 hostages from a party gone wrong on Christmas Eve. New York’s finest cop makes it to Los Angeles just in time to spend the holidays with his family. If that’s not Christmassy, I don’t know what is.

Even if your dad is a last-minute gifter who pounds on closed storefronts on Dec. 24, he deserves a good present under the tree.

If your dad already has the 1988 film, perhaps you could get him other John McClane merchandise. Or, if you want something more subtle, how about an argyle sweater? (Get it?)

Be sure to pump Run-D.M.C.’s “Christmas in Hollis” when your dad comes home from work. If he truly loves Die Hard, he will catch the reference.

And when you watch the movie this month and your aunt asks, “Don’t you have any Christmas movies?” say, “This is a Christmas movie!” (And throw in a “Yippee kai yay, motherf**ker!”)

Let your dad watch a yuletide film that doesn’t make him want to stab himself in the eyes with icicles. A Christmas movie with a vengeance.