It’s Dangerous to Go Alone, Take This...
Features / September 2, 2015
Guide to the Lands of the Surrey Campus
The Twin Towns of Spruce and Fir
While these may appear to be merely a pair of sleepy hamlets, they in fact hide an endless network of underground societies and guilds in which fresh-faced Kwantlen students may find themselves some measure of glory. Most trades folk make their homes among the meandering, maze-like avenues, so expect to bump into a healer, blacksmith or alchemist whilst voyaging here. The town of Fir is also the location of the Temple of Art, where hang the greatest tapestries that third-and-fourth-year artisans can create. Many a gallant student adventurer will take the first step on their journey here.
The Smoking Forest
On the edge of the Surrey campus lies the dark and mysterious Smoking Forest, where only the most daring adventurers tread after class (or during class if you’ve got one of those insufferable three-hour-long classes in Fir). Wanderers move between the trees to reach the Desolation of Smog and the lands beyond, or scavenge around the mossy shrine at the forest’s mouth. But take heed never to linger too long, traveler. Legend tells of a powerful sorcery in these woods, ancient herbal magics that cause strange visions to befall all those who dwell within the forest.
It sorta depends on what’s being smoked.
This shining, ivory metropolis, birthplace of wisdom, is home to the Tower of Knowledge which houses the accumulative scholarly writing of our land. There is much to see on the capital coast, such as the Centre of Learning, where all adventurers who crave truth may seek the council of learned individuals (but don’t expect them to just give you the answers). Ascend the Tower of Knowledge and at the top, just beyond the Halls of Silence, you’ll find The Runner monastery. We humble scribes and artists spread our work across Kwantlen for your benefit, dear adventurer. Seek us out if you wish to join our hallowed institution. We pay!
A mercantile hub for any discerning traveler, Birch is known primarily for its bustling marketplace and emporium. This is where you trade all the gold you’ve accumulated along your many quests for more supplies—or else you just give it to Sodexo, the temperamental giant who slumbers in the hills above the city. Birch is also where you find the Temple of Justice, where many of Kwantlen’s finest warriors go to fight the good on behalf of their fellow students. Be warned, with the arrival of a mysterious guild from the west, there have been reports of a Troll infestation amassing around the Temple. Even so, we’ve found the inhabitants of the land to be decent, fun-loving folk, if somewhat rowdy.
The Surrey Keep
In the North sits a largely administrative region marked by the presence of a great castle, constructed to prove the might of the Kwantlen Kingdom. While the massive central halls of the Keep, complete with ramparts and a drawbridge across two towering walls, are impressive enough to dazzle any adventurer, the unadorned passageways of this mighty castle give it the feel of a prematurely crumbling ruin. Venture deep enough into the Keep and you will find the Kwantlen stockades, where all those unfortunate souls who neglected to pay their student fees in time are forced to wait in seemingly eternal administrative prisons.
Just beyond the glistening gate awaits the great city of Cedar, pride of the Surrey campus. Adventures from across the land are welcomed by the wizard Timhor-Ton’s, whose potent concoctions will awaken a great voyager spirit within you (and help you stay conscious through that 8 a.m. Econ class). While travelling through this part of the campus be sure to admire the famed Foosball Colossi that lie perched atop the Cedar Court. What immortal forge could have birthed such a glorious monument, no one knows. Why we have a monument to foosball on a campus that doesn’t actually have a foosball table? No one dares ask.
Palace of the Hoary King of Kwantlen
Cedar is also home to the Crownlands, where King Alan Davis resides. While generally known as a mostly benevolent monarch, there has been unrest in the kingdom as of late—word has trickled down that our King has fallen under the spell of an evil warlock named Kinder Morgan who sits on his oil-black throne atop the dreaded Trans Mountain. We can only hope that the spell is soon broken, and that the shadow of the Mountain does not descend upon the land.
The Imperial Hold of the Kay-Essay
Nestled in the heart of the Imperial Province is the fortress of our tax collectors and representatives. From their exalted position they conduct the bureaucratic affairs of the students while the rest of us are out mapping the world of academia. Across from their hold are the barracks of the mighty Kwantlen Eagles, so named for their grace and prowess on the field of battle. Although the memory of past governments and the dark age they brought upon this land still hang solemn over the hold, the current council has announced plans to put our funds towards the erection of a glorious Union Hall for the benefit of all students.
Just don’t expect to see it in your lifetime.
Grass Roots Tavern & Inn
At the far end of Cedar lies a peaceful shire which has been the destination of weary Kwantlen travellers since time immemorial. Here you can purchase food and drink at a fair price, safe from the perils of the open road. Within the great mead halls of Grass Roots you might find the bards and minstrels singing their songs of olde—or, if it’s game night, watching the Canucks and drinking their sorrows away. Yes, at the end of a long and harrowing adventure, you can finally kick back at the tavern and regale your fellow wanderers with tales of your daring exploits across the land.
At least until your next class begins in like—crap, five minutes.