HUMOUR: Canadians Demand Conservative Party be Screened for Anti-Canadian Values

Kellie Leitch first to be submitted to rigorous surveying

Lauren Ipsum

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(Alex Indigo, Flickr Creative Commons)

Just days after Conservative leadership candidate Kellie Leitch suggested that potential immigrants be screened for “anti-Canadian values” via survey, all of Canada has risen up to demand Leitch be hoisted by her own petard.

Citizens from across the nation are calling for members of the Conservative Party to be vetted before being allowed to enter Canadian politics. While the specifics of the vetting process have yet to be detailed, the aim of the screenings will be to ensure that Conservatives share core beliefs with Canadians before they can inflict any racist policies onto the populace.

“We’re not trying to discriminate,” says a representative of the nation. “I mean, my grandparents were Conservatives. But with Trump and everything, letting Conservatives into politics is more dangerous than ever. You don’t know what kind of harmful thinking or bizarre customs they might be bringing with them.”

“Do they like hockey?” asks another citizen. “Do they shop at Canadian Tire? Do they resist the urge to implement xenophobic legislature to discourage immigration from non-European countries? We just don’t know.”

Part of the desire for these screenings stems from academic studies which show that racism and other forms of intolerance are a rising trend amongst Conservative politicians. One frightening survey conducted from 2006 to 2015 reveals that problematic Conservative ideology has increased dramatically in recent years, reaching a high point last fall before mysteriously tapering off.

While many Canadians feel that a small number of Conservatives being permitted to run for office is tolerable, most simply do not wish to see them elected in their ridings. This is known commonly as the “not in my backyard” stance.

“We just want to make sure they like the things we like before we let them in,” says a typical Canadian voter. “It’s just common sense.”

Thus far Leitch and other top-ranking Conservative Party members have declined to respond to the nation’s demands. Reports from the Prime Minister’s office, however, claim that Trudeau is calling for the establishment of special phone lines so Canadians may alert their elected officials if they see Conservatives bullying immigrants, fear-mongering amongst their constituency, or committing any other such barbaric cultural practices.

 

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