Dear Steve: In response to the launch of the iPad

By Christopher Poon [Media Editor]

To: Mr. Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Inc.
RE: Apple Launches iPad

Hey Steve,

Chris here. You remember me, right?

I was the one that saved up all that money so that I could buy the iPhone when you finally brought it to Canada.

Speaking of which, why’d that take so long?

Anyways, I heard that you’ve cooked up another must-have gadget, the iPad.

Let me be the first to tell you, I want it. How do you come up with these ideas? I mean, everything that your company creates seems to be so beautiful and desirable. I’m kind of in awe, and a lot in love.

I can hardly wait to curl up on the couch with my brand new iPad, sipping my chai and flipping through my digital copy of Chicken Soup for the Nerdy Soul. Facebook on the fly? I can finally do that, so long as I have a wifi connection or 3G network, kinda like my iPhone. The best part? I can’t wait to capture the wonderful moments my friends and I are sure to have while hanging out with our iPads.

Hang on, where’s the camera? How am I supposed to take all of my Facebook profile pics without a camera? Steve, this shit is broken!

After all I’ve given to your company, you couldn’t have put a little camera in the bugger?

I mean, my iPhone has one, my Macbook has one, my iPod Nano has…oh wait.

This is pretty familiar actually. Remember when I got that awesome thin new iPod Nano from 2008? And then you released the same one plus a camera a year later? That sucked for me. I even know someone who was in the same position as me, but they actually bought the new Nano, even though their ‘old’ one was fine.

Oh, now I get it, you’re pulling the ol’ leave-out-the-stupid-fucking-features-that-have-been-standard-for-the-past-half-decade-so-that-we-can-release-the-next-version-featuring-those-very-functions trick.

That’s pretty shitty Steve.

It’s kind of like the iPod touch, when you were expected to release the new version with a camera, putting it on par with the iPhone. It made sense to do so, but you defied that and left that feature out, again. The worst part was that there was a little space inside the new iPod touches where a fucking camera would have fit.

What happened there, cold feet?

Or it’s kind of like when you released the first two iterations of the iPhone, and neither of them had video recording and MMS. That’s the kind of stuff that had been in cellphones for years, but you decided to leave them out. It wasn’t only until June 2009 that you blessed us with these standardized features.

What the fuck? We’re still waiting for bluetooth file transfer.

Another thing, asshole, why the shit don’t you just allow flash on the iPhone and iPad? Do you know how many sites use flash? That’s like closing off a quarter of the fucking internet, because you’re too worried about giving people a full-browsing experience.

How about when you removed firewire support from the recent Macbooks? You may not have guessed it, but some people actually liked being able to upload video and photos to their computers.

Really fucking ‘innovative,’ moron.

In fact, here’s some shit that you probably left out on purpose from the iPad:
No USB (Seriously, you know the ‘u’ stands for ‘universal’ right?)
No Multitasking (Even my Windows 95 PC did that, figure your shit out)
No HDMI out (Ugh…nice ‘new media’ device)

On second thought Steve, seeing as you’ve retarded it enough to make it as useless as as a super soaker in the arctic, I don’t think I’ll be getting the iPad. Nice try though, dick.

Yours truly,

Chris