Sex through the ages: Genghis Khan to Ron Jeremy

By Cole Griffin

Genghis Kahn: OK, so maybe he’s not you’re standard idea of a sexual icon, and maybe he shouldn’t qualify for this list because of all the rape and pillage, but get this: researchers have identified a Y-chromosomal link in 8% of the men in a large area of Asia that they think may be the mark of descendants of ol’ Temujin (his original name). Being the granddaddy of half a percent of all the men on earth, earns him a spot on the list.

Theodora: She rose up from the gutters on her back. Despite her reputation as one of the most wanton prostitutes in the Byzantine Empire (or perhaps because of it) she managed to win the love of the Emperor Justinian, who made her his Empress. The images of her that we find in Byzantine art portray her as pious, and history records her as intelligent and brutal, but we like to remember for her greatest contribution: the reverse cowgirl.

Lord Byron: “Mad, bad, and dangerous to know” this English poet was as prolific a paramour as a penman. Not only did he write some of the finest erotic verses in the language, he ruined some very respectable reputations. When allegations of sodomy and incest drove him out of England, he went on to fight for Greek independence; perhaps from a love of classical culture, perhaps for the sodomy.

Mata Hari: Deep within the dark and mysterious jungles of Holland, this fake foreign beauty used her own charms and Europe’s love of the exotic to undulate her way into the history books. A dancer who didn’t know how to dance, Mata Hari’s reputation made her the toast of Europe’s night life, and a courtesan to many important men of the day. Until, that is, she was killed by a firing squad for espionage during WWI; all across the western front, erections stood at semi in her honour.

John Wilmot, The Earl of Rochester: A rake’s rake, this guy took debauchery to a whole new level. While some people send flowers, this guy kidnapped his first wife. A sexual vandal and a favourite in the King’s court, his wit was only exceeded by his lack of propriety. One famous anecdote has him touring England disguised as Dr. Bendo, who specialized in treating infertility; the treatments were “not without their successes”. His happy ending was death by syphilis.

Feodor Vassilyev’s First Wife: History has forgotten her name, but her record remains unchallenged even today. This poor woman had 69 children between 1725 and 1765 (which is apparently before oral sex) in 27 births: 16 twins, 7 triplets, and 4 quadruplets. It’s questionable whether we could beat that record today even with fertility drugs. Not because it’s impossible but because no one wants to.

Giacomo Casanova: Why do so many writers make this list? Because they wrote about it, of course. The diaries of Casanova are intelligent, entertaining and, despite the best efforts of historians, have never been untrue. A wizard, a philosopher, and a lover of all types of women (he had a three-way involving a hunchbacked servant girl at one point) from every station of society.

Valeria Messalina: The wife of Nero, this woman raised the harlot bar. She ran, and worked in, a secret brothel, organized orgies for the noblewomen of Rome, and even won a sex contest against the most famous prostitute in Rome, Scylla. Once the most powerful slut in Rome, the emperor’s favour eventually began to wane and Messalina fell out of good fortune. To improve her lot she conspired to kill Nero. It didn’t work, he had her killed instead and then called for more wine.

Ron Jeremy: King of the Greaseballs, he’s famous for having a large penis (9.75 inches), and being able to perform autofellatio. He can ejaculate on command and holds the record for the most appearances in porn. He was also the last guy in line at Annabel Chong’s world record gangbang. Something you maybe didn’t know about this guy is that he has a master’s degree in education.

Phryne: The most famous hetaera of ancient Greece, she is said to have been the model for Praxiteles’s Venus of Knidos, a statue so beautiful men came from all corners of the known world to pleasure themselves upon it. Seriously, it needed regular cleaning. She also famously beat heresy charges by getting naked in court. Her image was the standard of beauty in the classical world and, when the flash in the pan sexpots of the modern world are long forgotten, men’s minds will still be imagining what Phryne looked like naked