The Three Musketeers proves to be a snooze

Parts of the revamped Three Musketeers scream for a sequel, but we’d rather not see it.

By Jared Vaillancourt
[contributor]

Grade: F

If you’re looking for a way to get someone to fall dead asleep in under an hour, take them to the nearest cinema to see the Three Musketeers. Guaranteed they’ll not only have a long and peaceful sleep but may also plot your demise via very obviously choreographed swordplay and at least one over-designed airship.

Starring Milla Jovovich as Milady and Orlando Bloom as the Duke of Buckingham, the Three Musketeers was developed by a small group of studios whose names were hitherto unknown in the industry and will hopefully remain so. Set in 17th Century France, the story follows the journey of D’Artagnon as he moves to Paris to become on the the King’s Musketeers, an elite group of French soldiers whose fighting skills call into question their true nationalities (as the French guards they do fight — who presumably have similar training — fall like shafts of wheat before these guys). Incidentally, the young D’Artagnon encounters the original three Musketeers Porthos, Athos and Aramis through a “comical” series of misadventures that end with a big battle with the Cardinal’s guards  —  because the movie had been playing for about a half-hour and the plot sure as hell wasn’t holding anyone’s attention anymore.

Although the characters are so two-dimensional they almost cause lacerations simply by watching them, the action in the film goes from swashbuckling fantasy to some mutant hybrid of Johnny English, Joan of Arc and Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. Milady has to traverse a razor tripwire (read: laser tripwire cliche from spy movies) system in order to steal the jewels, the Musketeers’ airship avoids the Cardinal’s Guards’ airship by hiding in a storm cloud and ambushing them (ripped right off from the Wrath of Khan) and the finale of the movie was an awkward and clumsy series of slightly comical mishaps that did nothing but conclude the film. But most damning of all is the brief epilogue showing Buckingham sailing to France with his personal armada of traditional ships and airships. Sequel, it screams; who else wants to see us make a sequel?

No one wants that. This movie was a waste of both time, effort and money.