Blossoms vs. babies: The ‘herbridged’ version

There is a time in everyone’s life when we ask ourselves that proverbial question: should I have a kid or just get a plant?

Now, there are many reasons why raising a plant will be easier on your wallet and your mental health, but let’s be honest, you don’t have all day for such a list. You have to start your reading for class — cough, scrolling through TikTok, cough —  so let’s cut to the chase.

The next time your grandma, or that uncle who smells like he drowned himself in Axe body spray says you should have kids, give them the following four most important reasons why you will be getting yourself a cactus instead of a toddler.

1.  You can go on a trip and have someone come check on your ferns a couple of times a week. With a baby, you will absolutely get a call from social services for leaving on vacation, as getting your neighbour to come water your tiny human just once or twice a week is highly frowned upon.

2. Your tomato plant will never get mad at you because the ficus down the street has the latest iPhone, and they just have a Samsung Galaxy 10+. Though lets be real, ficus are pretty spoiled too.

3. You know what you’re getting with a plant. You don’t get to pick your kids’ personalities or if they’re going to be high or low maintenance. With plants you get to choose how much work you want to put into the relationship.

Don’t have a lot of time? Get yourself a cactus and call it a day. Are you looking for a needy, more involved relationship? Get yourself a calathea with its need for filtered water. Or, if you are truly a masochist, you can get a rose that requires a humidifier and a fan for air circulation and still worry day in and day out because it’s also more prone to diseases. Fun fact: getting pricked by its thorns will hurt much less than the first time your teenager says, “I wish you were dead!” Kids say the darndest things.

4. You won’t have to pay for therapy for your poinsettia when it realizes all of their problems are your fault. Let’s be honest, you’re probably going to kill that poor plant anyways, but there’s no reason to fret; you can just head down to your nearest Plants ‘r Us or the Plant Emporium and get a new one. Finding your next plant-victim can be as easy as overwatering a succulent.

Need I say more? No. There’s honestly no contest.

Oh, and consider a calathea over a cat, too. Kitties will be more comfortable on the internet, not in your 400 square foot, $2,000 per month Vancouver apartment. The perennial plant will be a better fit.