How the Brad Pitt Visiting Act would fix the Oscars

The Academy should pass a new celebrity law called the “Brad Pitt Visiting Act,” requiring Pitt to visit the set of every Oscar-nominated movie. It doesn’t matter if he’s involved in any of them or not. He just has to show up.

I thought back to the Oscars this year when Youn Yuh-jung won Best Supporting Actress for Minari. During her acceptance speech, she joked about wondering where her executive producer Brad Pitt was since he, apparently, wasn’t on set.

Pitt being absent is a real problem. Here’s what I propose:

While on set, Pitt would have some hands-on experience doing different roles. From being a script supervisor to a VFX artist, Pitt would build a childish camaraderie with the film crews. He would get to have food fights with them, tell absurd celebrity jokes, and pull off Ocean’s Eleven-style heists to steal props.

With this act comes danger, and Pitt would have to be ready for it. If the Academy Awards ever nominate a Green Lantern reboot, Pitt would be legally obligated to operate the camera while clinging to the cosmic hero’s back with no safety harnesses.

Pitt would scream and scream as he and Lantern hurdle through space, narrowly dodging asteroids, comets, and black holes. They would pass by alien film critics who think Ad Astra is bad.

“It shows what happens when you don’t make an astronaut movie with Sandra Bullock,” says one reviewer.

Before Pitt could protest, director Edward Norton would yell, “Cut. Great, Brad. Next scene: the interplanetary fight club.”

By fulfilling this act, Pitt would have a better attendance record. The Academy would be so impressed that they would bestow him with a “Best Actor Who Showed Up ‘Cause He Was Forced To” award — cue patronizing applause.

The bottom line is everyone would know Pitt way, way better, potentially even as a good friend by Oscar night. They wouldn’t be starstruck or ask for an autograph, and they’d just be thankful he’s there. Everyone would shout, “Holy cannelloni! It’s Brad Pitt, that oxygen-breathing human who has blood vessels and bone marrow like me. He’s really relatable.”

However, if Pitt broke the law set out by this act, he would have to pick between two choices.

He could agree to star in subpar remakes of his movies forever. And if there’s an experimental project being offered to him, he can’t accept it. He has to say, “Visiting sets is my new role now. I just feel it’s the quickest way to grow as an artist, you know?”

His other option would be to eat Oscar statues live in front of the entire Academy. He couldn’t back out, otherwise, Pitt would have to make an impression of Baby Yoda acting like a Terminator fighting a genetically pissed-off dinosaur.

Does the Brad Pitt Visiting Act make sense? No.

Will Pitt have the most humiliating time of his life obeying this act? Of course. But it’s worse if he disobeys it.

Perhaps next time, he’ll do the world a favour and just show up on set. Brad “Attendance Champion” Pitt — now that’s a stage name.

I propose that we enact into law immediately. All in favour?