Doritos are vastly superior to Cheetos

Pay no mind to those subpar puffs, go for the triangle chips you deserve

(Kristen Frier)

(Kristen Frier)


In the salted snacks aisle of your favourite convenience store are rows of your cheat day chips. Their air-tight bags burst with zesty colours from their inviting brand logos. You look left and right as you scan your potential buys.

Ruffles? No. Pretzels? Maybe later. Sun Chips? Forget it. 

You need something stronger. Your eyes are greeted by two bags side-by-side: Cheetos and Doritos. 

They have the same price of $5.99 plus tax, so which one do you pick? Both end in “tos.” Both have assorted flavours — your hand trembles with delight. Your mouth salivates in a Pavlovian flourish at the thought of those cheese puffs.

Your inner chip lover, the hero of your taste buds, pulls the lever in your brain, stopping your hand completely. He uses a button labelled “Push to avoid regrets.” Your hand smacks your forehead—tough love.

“Gosh dang it, no,” he says as you rub your cheek in defeat, “Always Doritos, leave those Cheetos to their doom.” Your inner chip lover is right. Doritos beat Cheetos as a tasty comfort. 

Cheetos look like the junk food versions of carrots. I wouldn’t be surprised if a news report came out revealing that this snack was a secret way for parents to trick their kids into eating their veggies. It’s only a matter of time. 

Plus, when those puffs get stuck between your teeth, it’s all over. Doritos can do this to you too, but the dental job is easier. They won’t have you furiously over-brushing your pearly whites at absurd angles to get those clusters of food particles out before your next dental appointment. 

Cheetos will, making you realize they should’ve never been made in the first place.

Also, if you’re training to be a chip ninja, you can use Doritos as triangle-shaped shurikens. You do the same thing with Cheetos and they’re just gonna bounce off your enemies. Plus, if you’re on a covert op, then Doritos can feed you in the shadows.

The flavours of those geometric treats are superior, too, from jalapeño and cheddar to cool ranch. Your tongue will feel like they’re at a chips rock concert with every bold and eclectic crunch. Cheetos’ flavours are stale and not as appetizing. I mean, come on, the flamin’ hot one tastes like Xenomorph acid blood. 

Above all, Doritos will make you love math. Let me unpack this. 

What do Doritos chips and math have in common? They both involve triangles. So, the next time you’re in math class, and you must calculate the area of a triangle, just use Doritos to help you. You learn things, and you get to eat. What more do you want?

Also, Doritos are tasty GPA-boosters. If you don’t finish your assignments, you need an excuse, a good one. Enter Doritos.

“Why didn’t you do your homework?” asks your math teacher. “I was eating Doritos last night,” you say in that teacher’s pet tone of voice. “Wow,” replies your teacher. “Here’s an A+ just for choosing the best chips ever.” Honour Roll, here I come. You hungry for Doritos yet?

If I haven’t convinced you by this point and you still want Cheetos, at least you’re eating your veggies, I mean chips. Having said that, always go for Doritos. Your cheat days and your academic record will never be the same again.