How to turn your houseplants into defensive killing machines

Training your potted roommates to eat porch pirates will keep your holidays theft-free

(Kristen Frier)

(Kristen Frier)

Every day, houseplants live comfortably in their precious clay pots taking everything they can get from you. They consume water, sunlight, and nutrients from the soil, all for the sake of photosynthesis. 

You give these things to them — including a roof over their heads — and they reward you with the silent treatment. However, their insatiable appetites can benefit your holiday experience. 

My suggestion: train your houseplants to eat porch pirates. Your Amazon packages will be safe and secure for years to come.

Porch pirates have been the scourge of the Christmas season for as long as I can remember. One moment your phone’s telling you that your Blu-Ray copy of Dune has arrived, the next moment, you get to the door and realize it’s gone. Why? Because porch pirates snuck onto your porch and stole it.

This is where your killer houseplants come in. Normally, they sit around, looking like innocent non-violent decorations. The question is, “How do you turn your houseplants into killing machines?” 

Start by watching the 1986 film Little Shop of Horrors with your plants to condition them to eat would-be thieves. This movie will also teach you how to care for them as they get more carnivorous. Don’t forget to show your houseplants news reports of porch pirates robbing people of their deliveries so they know who’s causing trouble over the holidays. It’s important for your houseplants to learn about who they’re gulping down. 

You still need to feed your killer plants water, sunlight, and soil to keep them happy. This means more money out of your pocket since eating porch pirates takes a lot of energy out of them. You may need to get a third job in addition to your main job and side hustle for the maintenance cost. 

Burnout may loom over you, but you must power through. If you fail to do all of this, you might also end up on your houseplants’ menu.

Your plant care schedule would also change drastically. After eating that first porch pirate, they’ll start getting restless for their next meal. You’ll go from watering your plants to swatting their vines away with your biology textbook to stop them from eating your pet goldfish. 

Don’t fret though, just keep showing your newly-turned carnivores more newscasts of Christmas piracy to remind them why they’re eating thieves in the first place. Be patient with them. Being a killing machine is a new role for your houseplants. Like your first year in college, there’s always a learning curve. 

You might feel overwhelmed with weaponizing your plants’ appetites. Take this into consideration — training your plants to eat porch pirates is like Tom Hardy in Venom teaching his alien symbiote that he can only bite off the heads of bad guys, not good guys. It’s difficult at first, but eventually, you’ll forge a healthy bond with your plants. 

Think along those lines, and you’ll do fine in nurturing your flowery killers. 

Always be parental with your leafy killing machines because it will be quite the adjustment for both of you. Do all of this, and your houseplants will happily protect your home from holiday robbers for as long as you need them to.