Life hacks for getting ahead on Boxing Day

Never worry about missing out on those sweet, sweet deals again

Never worry about missing out on those sweet, sweet deals again. (Kristen Frier)

Never worry about missing out on those sweet, sweet deals again. (Kristen Frier)

Dreaming of $9 air fryers? Ever considered fighting a toddler for clearance Christmas candy? Ripping your hair out over empty aisles, hordes of shoppers, and the looming threat of a cold morning wait outside a store? Don’t. 

There are many methods you can use to hustle for a better Boxing Day. The lowest level strategy is the infiltration maneuver. You need to leave Christmas dinner early, because cheap disposable razor refills are more important than reconnecting with grandma, and swing by a store that is open on Christmas Day. If the store is closed on Christmas Day, you will have to enter on Christmas Eve. 

Inside the store, find an aisle that nobody is in. Enter one of the shelves and lie down, then place a wall of goods in front of you so that observers will only spot shampoo or instant noodles. Stores with TV aisles are awesome because it can be very easy to hide behind a flatscreen. 

Once cozy inside your enclosure, sleep until the store opens. Since it is possible that you will be stuck in a confined space for some time, it may be important to organize food and hygiene. A common rookie mistake is getting caught while eating noisy snacks like chips. A better choice is storing cooked ravioli or spaghetti in your pockets for a nourishing snack. 

The second strategy is studied by police and military organizations everywhere, and it is called information warfare. 

It is surprisingly easy. Start a propaganda campaign to convince the general public that the store you want to visit will be closed. The ideal time to start is two or three days ahead of Boxing Day, so that the target store will not have time to respond. 

You will need to make several social media accounts with the name and address of the store you have chosen. You can make the accounts look legitimate by hiring robot accounts to follow and like the pages you have made. Once you have made realistic replicas, you will post a message that announces apologetically that the store will be closed on Boxing Day. 

Social media is just the first step. Next, you will bribe a paper boy to insert notices into the flyers that also announce the store will be closed on Boxing Day, and the flyers will have links to your social media accounts. Holiday shoppers looking for deals and coupons will see the notices, and spread the news. You can also spread these flyers around town. 

Lastly, you can hire a radio station to broadcast notices that the store will be closed by cleverly and illegally misrepresenting yourself as a manager from the store. The money you spend doing this will be worth it when you have the opportunity to buy as many $7 umbrellas as you want.

The combined might of your misinformation should greatly reduce the size of the lineup, enabling you to get in quickly. The public will be blissfully unaware.

The final strategy is to leave your humanity behind and begin creating research chemicals and steroids in your shed about a year ahead of Boxing Day. Start working out daily. Once you look like a hulking abomination, nobody will complain when you cut ahead of them in line.

The muscle apocalypse strategy has one slight weakness, which is kidney failure. Fortunately, black-market organ dealers are famous for their excellent Boxing Day discounts.