Vancouver needs a punk rock amusement park

Rides featuring the iconic genre will teach generations the true meaning of being a rebel

(Kristen Frier)

(Kristen Frier)

We have Playland here in British Columbia, and Universal Studios is next door, but those places are “been there, done that.” We need something new, something tailored for the misfits.

We need a punk rock amusement park in Vancouver. 

Your experience starts when greeted by the legendary “new prince of pop-punk” Machine Gun Kelly at the ticket booth, who gifts you with a goodie bag of mixtapes from Vancouver’s The Black Lab and an underground punk zine, before your wild journey begins.

Start with the rollercoaster, the Joan Jett Speedster, which is so fast it makes bullet trains look slow. 

A ferocious attraction like this needs you, the rider, to be just as ferocious. That’s why punks need to smash a guitar in front of Jett first. If she nods, you’re worthy of riding this crazy monolith.

Riders won’t be alone as Jett will play her classic hit “Bad Reputation” on the rollercoaster’s front car. It’s over before you know it and your nausea makes you queasy. You move on though because resting is for anti-punkers.

Relentless energy is key to living the punk life, but if you must sit down after running around, the Foo Fighters Ferris Wheel has your back. Everyone must wear Dave Grohl wigs to either mock or respect Grohl as you headbang your way through air guitar solos during the ride.  

The Ferris wheel is slow, but your punk spirit sure as hell is not.  

Not satisfied? Still hungry for more thrills? If the Joan Jett Speedster is the fastest ride in the park, The Raincoats Tower is the tallest. The punk version of Playland’s Hellevator will dangerously launch fans to the clouds.

Fans will yell in punk-style anguish as the weird violin riffs from The Raincoats’ “Life on the Line” signals when your lungs trade places with your stomach. 

A theme park is not complete without a pirate ship ride. It is here that British punks, The Clash, play “London Calling” when their ride catches riders from the air. 

The band gives rotary phones to their fans since vintage is back, tossing their iPhones overboard because smartphones are not cool.

The phones are caught by The Ramones, who sit on horses at a carousel waiting for their next underground gig. They erase all the pop music playlists on each phone, and add real punk stuff to people’s music libraries like “I Don’t Want To Grow Up”. 

The Raincoats, The Clash, and The Ramones have used their rides to reject digital tech, which like resting, is also anti-punk, and by this point, you’ve learned all you can about the punk life from attending this amusement park that should exist, like, now. This park would be a punk’s dream, so come on, rebels, make this happen.