Apple’s green iPhone is so not a big deal

I’d rather watch grass grow than sit through another commercial about phone colours

(Kristen Frier)

Just when you thought Apple had done enough to shatter our ears with podcasts and music, they decided to destroy our eyes with an ad for the new iPhone 13 that apparently comes in swamp green. 

I suppose throwing money at your marketing makes sense, but just to promote a new phone colour? A colour that’ll make it look like you’re talking to a rectangular piece of kale when you’re on the phone with your bros? A colour that makes you smell like old dirt and pond scum by association?

The more I see this green iPhone on TV, the more I wonder if this is just the tip of the “innovative” colour iceberg. For all I know, Apple is planning to add other weird colours and patterns for their other products. Is there a polka-dot blue MacBook in the works? How about a turquoise-striped Apple Watch? 

The ad makes phones and possibly all of technology look really scary, with its prismatic images of dragons, snakes, venus flytraps and praying mantises — you know, things you want to hold next to your face.

The animals — which surprise, surprise, are all green — burst out of the iPhone like the Jumanji board game. The company icon may be a fruit, but it’s not fruitful to sell people a green dream when everyone knows the screen will still shatter into a thousand ugly pieces when the phone falls off of a table or encounters a strong breeze.

The iPhone’s new shade won’t even matter once you buy a phone case, and everyone knows you need to buy a case. Sure, you can always be a daredevil and not buy one, but don’t tell me that the Darth Vader phone case on sale doesn’t entice you. Vader’s practically telling you, “Buy me, and together, we’ll rule the Samsung Galaxy.” That sounds more epic than some ad about a pocket machine that looks like seaweed. 

Am I supposed to thank a tech giant for robbing me of the chance to watch my shows sooner? If I must watch ads, I prefer them to be about junk food or movie trailers. You know, things that bring us life and purpose. A green cellular device can’t do that. 

We don’t need to be told the new iPhone is green. Get back to the drawing board, Apple. A phone’s a phone. If you can call people with it, you’re good.