Local planet blames summer heat for poor appearance

Galactic resident upset about seasonal dryness and the effects it has on her looks

Art by @RESLUS

Art by @RESLUS

Roughly 150.35 million kilometres from the Sun, a local terrestrial body is dreading summer. 

“The season is beautiful and all, but the heat is intense and I don’t like that,” said Earth, from her spot revolving around the Sun. 

Earth is 4.454 million years old and is still a go-getter despite her age. Willing to put herself out there and have a grand old time, Earth is up to dealing with just about any challenge presented to her. However, one trumps most of the others: summer heat.

“I can’t control my seasons,” Earth said. “My axis’s tilt is responsible for that, and when it leans me too close to the Sun, all I can think is, ‘Oh boy, here we go again with this business!’” 

Earth said that while she has come to accept the circumstances that cause summer are beyond her control, that does not mean she has to like the end results. 

When summertime comes, Earth starts to feel her age. The heat causes irritatingly dry land, ensuing forest fires, which burn worse than any rash, and the accelerated melting of polar ice caps makes her feel uncomfortably moist. Such climate-related phenomena, Earth claims, take a toll on her much-lauded appearance.

“I have a reputation to maintain in this solar system. I can’t let the other planets see me in such a way. Venus has a tough time as it is since her lack of atmosphere makes her surface so unbearably dry and barren, but she can get away with it. I have to sustain sentient lifeforms, so the expectations set for me are much, much higher.”

Earth relies upon her billions of inhabitants to work together as part of an interconnected system that should ensure that her image as a lush and vibrant heavenly body is sustained. However, there have been a few hiccups along the way that Earth says is detrimental to the ongoing maintenance of her beautiful visage.

“Things, internally speaking, were manageable for a few million years. Problems that popped up were external or gradual forces. The most recent hundred thousand years have changed things though,” Earth said.  

Earth’s concern for her personal image is made all the more apparent during the summer season with the aforementioned symptoms. If they are allowed to get too far out of hand, then her age will become much more apparent for the solar system to see. And that would be gross.

“The other planets won’t say anything outright, but their comments will be tacit, and I will know what Saturn, Mars, or Neptune actually mean if they say I’m looking ‘a tad tired’ or ‘embracing a mature image.’”

Earth believes in maintaining a stiff upper lip and weathering whatever the universe throws her way. As far as she is concerned, this is but another test that must be overcome in the neverending quest to maintain her healthy blue and green glow.