Proposal from Hell

Alternatively a guide on how to be the worst wedding guest

(Unsplash / edited by Kristen Frier)

It’s time. You’re ready to finally pop the question to your beloved, and it has to be perfect. The perfect proposal must have the ideal backdrop, and what better atmosphere than a wedding?

Luckily for you, a coworker in another department is getting married and sent announcements to everyone at work! You RSVP’d right away, and even though it was just an announcement you wrote that you’d love to come and would be bringing your partner. It’s not like they’d turn you away, right?

Most of the romantic atmosphere will be covered by the wedding itself, but you can still add a little extra. The invitation said it was semi-formal for the wedding party and smart casual for the guests. But luckily you still have your black-tie graduation outfit and it fits. Better to be overdressed than underdressed.

You tell your soon-to-be-betrothed that the wedding is black tie and to dress to the nines. You want them to feel like the most attractive person in the world, and certainly the room. 

Now you need a ring. You balked at the prices at the jeweller’s but eventually found one at Wal-Mart for $20. It was perfect, nice and sparkly, and stainless steel. You weren’t sure of your partner’s ring size so you did what any smart person would do and made your best guess, adding two sizes up to be safe.

Finally, the day arrived. You convinced your partner to wear a lovely white ensemble that would steal the show. What better way to get them in the mood for marriage than wearing white at a wedding. 

You got more than a few stares as you entered the venue, with no doubt of jealousy at your marvellous attire. 

The bride seemed oddly fixated with your partner when she walked down the aisle, reaffirming your decision to propose knowing that your partner is objectively attractive.

When the reception rolled around, various wedding party members gave speeches to celebrate the bride and groom’s union. You realized you had a perfect opportunity before you. You took the last swig from your fourth whisky, of which you’d swiped from another table, but I mean, is granny really gonna use them? 

You stood up, steadying yourself on the back of your chair, and made your way to the head table. You snatched the mic before it disappeared behind the DJ booth, and tucked it under your arm with an ear-splitting feedback loop as you clinked a knife from the head table on your now empty glass.

When you had everyone’s rapt attention, you began. The words of love were lost to time and alcohol, but between the slurring and the stumbling, you made your way and fell to one knee before your partner. 

You dropped the mic with another feedback shriek as you pulled out the envelope that contained the ring. You fiddled with the scotch tape that held it together after hours of practicing opening it, but eventually, you tore it open and revealed the ring. Unfortunately, you find that the gem had fallen out but you soldier on. Holding it aloft, you asked the words, “Will you marry me?” 

As you speak the words, you know that it is in fate’s hands, knowing that you did everything you could to plan the perfect proposal, and it might be a good idea to grab a few dinner rolls on the way out.