A totally new product to help wake you up in the morning

This ultimate method for forced wakefulness is for every university student

Sleeping in is a challenge every student struggles to overcome. (Unsplash/ Isabella and Zsa Fischer)

Do you have trouble waking up in the mornings? Missed a meeting cause you slept through your alarms?

The main issue with standard alarms is that they overlook a critical component of the human psyche: adaptability. Given enough time, the human body and mind can adapt to any routine, no matter how intrusive.

No matter how loud and obnoxious, most people will cease registering their alarm and eventually sleep through it. With this in mind, we at Sleep-B-Gone Systems® have developed the Sleep Nullification Intelligence for Oversleepers (SNIO). 

This system is designed to ensure that you are always up on time by using an advanced, self-learning AI to determine your level of sleep and deploy appropriate countermeasures.

While the installation may seem daunting, rest assured (pun intended) that all the components are necessary to ensure our out of bed guarantee!™

The SNIO is equipped with a George Foreman grill that must be loaded with bacon each morning. An internal bacon storage was tested but rejected due to health concerns. The grill will turn on each morning to fill your room with the fresh smell of bacon along with soft music. 

This is SNIO’s one and only attempt at diplomacy. If this olive branch fails, then SNIO will deploy the full force of its anti-sleep countermeasures.

A pair of twin-linked Nerf Mastodon blasters provide 75 inches of range to cover even the largest of bedrooms, with a combined magazine of 48 darts. 

These blasters fire oversized 75 calibre foam darts at 76 feet per second that can be felt through the thickest of winter quilts. The large size and red colouring mean that retrieval and reloading is a breeze.

If this fails, then an auto-loading water balloon launcher will begin to pelt your fortress of solitude with up to thirty balloons per minute. This is why a hydro hookup is required for full installation.

You may notice that none of these tactics involve sound. At Sleep-B-Gone, we believe wakefulness strategies should only inconvenience the primary subject, not their neighbours. 

With this in mind, the next step of SNIO’s system is to utilize what we call the noodle wheel. This set of eight pool noodles mounted next to your bed can and will beat down on your bed at 100 rpm to make you understand the futility of resistance. We took from the mine-clearing flail tanks of the Second World War, and in fact used the engine from one such tank.

If all else fails, SNIO will utilize a Tundra Tested™ 8500lb tow winch and a system of industrial pulleys. SNIO will be able to pull your bed to a 90-degree angle perpendicular to the floor along the attached hinges to avoid injury, thus ensuring our out-of-bed guarantee!™ is achieved. This sure-fire method for forced wakefulness is the ultimate weapon in the SNIO’s arsenal.

Sleep-B-Gone Systems® is not liable for any injuries or death that may occur with proper or improper use of our products. We are a fictitious company with no actual products, and if you have purchased stock or invested, you should try and get your money back because you were likely scammed or joined a Ponzi scheme.