You’ve come home carrying your favourite takeout you paid $15.17 for from your hard earned cash as a little treat for yourself after a hard day’s work. You sit down to eat, but just before you can chow down, your mother swoops in, and consumes a third of your meal in a single gulp like the mama dragon she is.
A Mom-Bite hath occurred upon thy meal.
Legend says that these cataclysmic events of edible decimation occur not as an act of nature, but rather the consumption of an offering you unwillingly sacrificed.
All food brought into her house is indeed an offering — unless it’s a food that doesn’t appease her palate. Bringing home something with smaller pieces will still incur a Mom-Bite, sushi rolls in particular are a noticeable source of this. You can only eat barbecue eel for so long before your wallet and stomach start to complain.
Some may call this unjust, but remember that she raised your ass and you’re still in her home.
With that being said, worse is still trying to be clever and get ahead of it.
If you ask ahead of ordering if she wants something, sometimes this olive branch is accepted and your meal is untouched. Most often, she says “nay” and you carry on, thinking the storm has passed. Only you return home to the question, “What’d you get for me?” which sends spears of guilt through you and puts your meal at risk again until she laughs it off — for now.
Attempting subterfuge to save your food can sometimes work by ordering food when she’s not home or otherwise, but this strategy can backfire. Somehow she will arrive home “early” in the middle of your meal and take the Mom-Bite while you stare wide-eyed and slack-jawed at whatever show you’re bingeing, only to look down and notice half your meal is gone as your hear her cackling away as she prances of through the house content in her victory.
Ordering with her makes it easier, foods like Chinese are ideal for splitting and sharing, resulting in central dishes that can be taken from rather than your own sacred plate. This is the ideal solution, as it keeps your meal safe as well as gives you some quality time with your mom — something she’ll always appreciate.
If there was any doubt, this piece is dedicated to my mom. I love you and will always share my food with you, unless of course I brought home Chipotle. Blood is thicker than water, but it ain’t thicker than $4 guac.