The Pepsi Challenge is just another evil plan of soda pop elitists

The pop game is an excuse for Pepsi overlords to prove themselves worthy of their own narcissism

Art by Kristen Frier

Art by Kristen Frier

We all remember going to Playland in the middle of summer and seeing line-ups of people trying to taste the difference between Coke and Pepsi. 

This challenge is just a scheme devised by high-brow soda poppers to show how their taste buds are better than the rest of ours. “Why?” You may ask. Well, highbrow soda poppers are egotistical maniacs. They’re obsessed with the sugary goodness of artificial sweeteners. 

Plus, they’re getting desperate. They’re running out of creative ideas to flaunt their love for soda. The Pepsi Challenge is their best bet. 

The more people fail this absurd pop game, the more pretentious these Pepsi-Coke classists become. They treat the careful sips of two iconic drinks like it’s some fancy wine tasting. I need someone to tell me how sipping has become an art. 

I mean, you’re not having afternoon tea with the Queen. No one said that patronizing others by taste-testing pop should be part of our consumer culture. People are going to be thirsty after having so much fun in Playland. There’s no time for any of this upper-class foolery, folks. 

Sipping for the sake of ego goes completely against our human nature to emulate those actors from Pepsi commercials and chug down a bottle or can of the stuff.

When you drink pop, you don’t sip. You drink as much pop as you can, ASAP. It’s like adding extra cheese to your pizza, you just have to do it. 

Who cares how acute your taste buds are? Everyone has taste buds, but the sippers of high pop society don’t care about that. They only want to revel in their sneaky ploys of demoting lowbrow soda drinkers. 

This highbrow versus lowbrow garbage needs to stop. It never worked for literature or movies, it won’t work for pop. Expecting it to work for fountain drinks is like cramming the day before a test. You might think you’ll get that A-plus, but that D-minus in red ink says otherwise.

Proving you’re better by taste-testing droplets of Coke and Pepsi is something only the most clownish of elitists do. It takes nerve to go to absurd lengths for the sake of ego and commercialized sugar. Sipping is not reality. 

If you’re watching a movie at the theatre and your Pepsi’s ready to go, do you taste-test your drink with little sips? 

No way, you take big gulps of that overpriced delight, even if multiple bathroom trips are in your future. Why? Because drinking pop means you’re actually drinking it. There’s nothing highbrow or lowbrow about it, it’s life just gone hyperactive. 

Compared to this, the Pepsi Challenge is a villainous plot brought to you by snobbish soda poppers that want to rule the world with their taste buds.

Forget about this challenge and just buy the entire rack of Pepsi at your closest vendor. Your summers will thank you for ignoring the game of pop oligarchs. Just enjoy life one non-sip at a time.