It’s time to modernize your morning workout

The only fitness guide that adds stress to your life without having to make any changes

Art by @RESLUS

Art by @RESLUS

It turns out that actual effort is needed to stay active and healthy. I get it, you are busy. But there are everyday tasks that act as workouts. 

Let’s do some heavy lifting. The moment has finally arrived for you to make use of the cast iron skillet your dad decided was absolutely mandatory for you to have if you had any hope of graduating with a Liberal Arts degree. 

Instead of leaving it on the stove like a normal person, you’ll want to carry the 20lb skillet around the kitchen for no particular reason while you throw random ingredients into it for some semblance of what is commonly referred to as “breakfast.”

Also, the struggle of skinny jeans belongs to everybody. But you no longer need to view this task with dread and frustration because we’ve entered the cardio segment of this questionable program. You are going to jump, flop, twist, and dance around the room in an almost futile effort to yank the incredibly tight material around your hips. 

That was your first repetition. Now, because you forgot to use the bathroom before this tedious endeavour, you get to do a second round. Spend the next 10 minutes working on your flexibility as you attempt to peel the fabric back down your legs in something that vaguely resembles a shimmy. You might be furious with yourself after spending an hour fighting with your trousers, but you’ll get to be that much more active. 

And now there’s nothing like a good dose of anxiety to get your blood pumping. You’ll look at the clock, then do a double take and realize you are about to miss the bus. Stumble out the door, hopping furiously on one foot as you attempt to tie your shoelace that, naturally, refuses to cooperate. 

In your frazzled and frantic state, you fall face first into the muddy flower garden. On the flipside, you have the opportunity to test your reflexes. Thank goodness for your fingers, which are warmed from the earlier frying pan activity. Push yourself up and congratulate yourself for achieving the most difficult exercise on the planet and start sprinting.

As you run, you will be faced with many dangerous objects which you must hurdle over to make it to your destination including wrappers, empty Tim’s cups, and small children. After that, it’s just a quick jaunt around the corner, past the sketchy gas station that sells knock-off cream soda, down the block, and arrive just in time to catch the bus. 

Feel the burn as you climb up the stairs, tripping on your shoelace that just will not stay tied. There may have only been three steps, but that totally counts. Then you get to stand for the ride because it’s rush hour in the city and you chose wrestling with pants over punctuality. But now your mind is up and active and ready for a preposterous amount of information to be poured into your already overflowing brain.

I suppose that would count as working out your legs and core too, given that a ridiculous amount of balance is needed to not fall onto the old lady sitting behind you every time the bus driver decides to slam on the brakes at every stop.

As you exit the bus, the realization hits you that class is about to start and you are on the opposite side of campus. So, tuck your chin, and hold on to your backpack as you bolt across the school — deeply regretting your choice in attire. 

Congratulations! You completed your workout and even made it to class on time. Time for a well-deserved break as you’re drenched in sweat. Sit back, relax, and feel your eyelids start to flutter as your professor drones on … and on … and on….