The upcoming Tetris film will checkmate chess once and for all

There’s only room for one popular game in entertainment, and it has nothing to do with pawns

Art by @RESLUS

Art by @RESLUS

never thought they’d do it, but they did. Hollywood is giving us a Tetris movie. The famous puzzle game has wowed us for years. Now, it has the chance to become a film star. If you’re wondering why, well, isn’t it obvious? Tetris needs an edge to finally get the high score on its ultimate rival, chess.

Chess has hogged the spotlight for far too long. The board game starred in movies and TV shows that Tetris could have made better. Remember Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows? Imagine if Holmes and Moriarty played Tetris rather than chess at the end of this movie. 

Holmes and Moriarty trading chess moves like “pawn takes knight” or “bishop takes rook” is equal to trading your joys for boredom. If they did this with Tetris, it would add more colour and fun to their gloomy contest of wits. 

“Yellow block to blue block, matching rows one and three,” said Moriarty. 

“Red block to green block, matching four rows. Tetris,” said Holmes. 

Easy for Moriarty to act like a big bad guy with chess. It takes a real champion with quick fingertips to survive the geometric perils of Tetris. There’s also 3D-chess. Bad enough this board game dominates movies and TV shows in pop culture. Must it also do the same for the 3D format? I say leave that to the movies. 

Tetris will shine in full cinematic glory. The puzzle game will promote its “2D-ness” as a 2D-film that will be easier for the eyes. Want to avoid the eyesores of 3D chess? The Tetris movie is your answer.

With chess, it’s all about patience, but who’s patient nowadays? We live in a fast-paced world that isn’t waiting for medieval-themed toys to move across a board. So, more reason for Tetris to beat the board game with its own film.

People don’t know how much Tetris prepares you for life. Tetris is about thinking on your feet when putting blocks together as they drop faster down the grid. What if you forget your friend’s birthday? Thank Tetris that you can come up with a quick excuse. Chess would have destroyed that friendship. Tetris is a life hack, and faster than chess.

Chess also revels in its ego even more in academics — there must be chess clubs in every school across Canada. Don’t get me wrong, these clubs are a fantastic way to meet new people, if you haven’t forgotten any birthdays recently. 

But do you see a Tetris club anywhere? Not to my knowledge. A Tetris movie could inspire one. The film is a building block to a future Tetris franchise. Now that’s a high score waiting to happen.

Taron Egerton, who stars in the movie as the game’s designer, can do all the sequels and spin-offs his heart desires with this Tetris-verse. A Tetris-Kingsman crossover special could also be possible. The world is Egerton and the puzzle game is his oyster.

Tetris is fed up with chess and its celebrity. Time to dethrone the board game for a new king of entertainment. A Tetris movie is long overdue, so get playing.