Jake Gyllenhaal movies are secretly calling for a rotary phone resurgence

The actor’s films are tools of analog overlords to ditch the irks of cellphones forever

(Flickr/El Hormiguero/Kristen Frier)

(Flickr/El Hormiguero/Kristen Frier)

Have you ever noticed Jake Gyllenhaal is always after people’s phones in his movies? Well, I have, and here’s my theory: Gyllenhaal’s movies are subliminal messages created by analog overlords to get rotary phones to come back. 

You might ask, “Why his movies?” Well, the analog overlords are rotary-deprived, but come on, it’s Jake Gyllenhaal. They’re huge fans of the guy. Even anti-cellphone villains are entitled to their own fandoms.  

Gyllenhaal movies might seem like everyday entertainment, but they’re the trojan horses of cinema. Analog overlords planned this two-step rotary comeback ever since the first ring tone came out. They counted so much on the actor’s work, they dubbed their plan as the “Gyllenhaal Agenda.” They even fought dial-for-dial to ensure vintage devices thrive in his movies from brick phones to flip phones. Now, it’s finally the rotary phones’ turn.

The first step of the “Gyllenhaal Agenda” is the overlords antagonize cellphones with Gyllenhaal movies to leave them a voice message of their electronic demise. If you don’t believe me, here’s the crème de la crème:

In Source Code, Gyllenhaal wrestled with someone at a train station just to get the guy’s cellphone. 

In Nightcrawler, he got his creepy face on when asking Los Angeles local, Rick, for his phone during a diner scene. 

Do you see the pattern here? I sure do. Note how subtle the overlords’ first step is in these films. You don’t even notice anything suspicious, and that’s not accidental. It’s all manipulative scene work at play.

Another reason analog overlords are after cellphones is software updates. 

Software updates have plagued the cellphone world. One moment you’re watching your favourite YouTube channel, and the next moment, “Install updates now for better optimized performance” pops up on screen. Not on Gyllenhaal’s dial.

“Better optimized performance”? Oh, please. Users have lazy quotas to meet each day with YouTube videos and other wasteful media. They’re not going to halt their digital escapism for the sake of updates.

Through Gyllenhaal films, the overlords remind us the only thing rotary phones update us on is the bliss of convenience. You don’t need optimized nonsense when you have an old-fashioned rotating dial to use with little effort. 

Good-bye software updates and hello slacker minimalism. 

The second step of the Agenda is to ensure the analog overlords don’t overwhelm our faces with rotary phones through Gyllenhaal movies in one go, they’ll do it gradually.

Most Gyllenhaal movies intimidate cellphones, but in The Day After Tomorrow, Gyllenhaal uses a payphone to call for help in one scene during a storm. Payphones are the cousins of rotary phones. 

This Roland Emmerich disaster feature reminds us how rotary phones can survive anything, whether it’s eras or storms. What’s a better way to remind us of the power of rotary phones than with its telecom relative? Now that’s what I call durable tech.

Advertising is all about building your audience slowly but steadily. It’s hostile takeover, and the analog overlords are masters of this tactic. They’re dominating the cellphone world with Gyllenhaal at the helm. What more could a vintage villain and Gyllenhaal fan want?