The most objectively bad months are in summer, let me tell you why

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Imagine the cool breeze of a crisp fall morning. Trees are a kaleidoscope of golden, crimson, and orange leaves. A crow caws in the distance, perched on a scarecrow guarding a sea of pumpkins and “Monster Mash” is playing in the distance.

Shortly after, snow blankets the leafless trees and everything else, and with it there’s a calm silence. Mariah has defrosted and you get the simultaneous stress and joy of finding gifts for your loved ones. December is a time of joy and togetherness.

Or even later than that, the trees are returning to vibrant greens, nests are being built in them, and the songs of birds are back. It rains and it pours in B.C., but with an umbrella or a hood, the spring weather of renewal that comes with April is delightful.

And then there’s July. The trees have lost all that lush greenery, they’re on fire. The little squirrels running around aren’t happy, they’re on fire. You aren’t safe in your house, it’s on fire. You’re on fire.

“Oh hey, did you see that pretty sunset at 11:00 pm last night?”

“No. Everything is on fire. The sky is smokey. I can’t see anything. Who are you? Why is sunset at 11:00 pm?”

As a sweater lover, I have to devolve into hot weather outfits like Hawaiian shirts and cargo shorts, giving off 24-year-old retired cop in Florida vibes from 24-year-old grandpa vibes. Yuck.

And it’s not just the whole world on fire thing that ruins July and its idiot twin August. The world may not have been great before Julius Caesar and his little bud Augustus became dictators but they butchered the calendar like they butchered the Gauls.

Before those two schmucks, each month was named after something neat like the Roman God Mars for March or a festival like February named for one about atonement in Roman times. Or even in a more simple naming pattern, some of the best months were named for numbers. September, as the seventh month in the year because of the whole Septem part, meaning seven in Latin.

But it’s the ninth month because of those absolute freaks!

Look, I won’t deny that Caesar was important. He made a neat idiom about crossing the Rubicon and probably did other stuff. But a whole month? Uprooting the better months? Not worth it to me. And what did Augustus even do to deserve one? Start a census? Seems like a pretty lame excuse.

Fine, it’s fine. I’m fine. We’re all fine. Words don’t need to have meaning, they’re all made up anyways, it’s just how we communicate.

Also everyone wants to go to beaches in those emperor months. Why? I don’t like that Anakin fellow from Star Wars but he makes some good points about sand being gross. We should name a month after him, Anakin-uary. Suppose all the fires would turn it into more of a Vader-ly though.

Got air conditioning? Great! If you don’t, you might get heat stroke, and even if you avoid that, you’ll still be too hot to be comfortable. Try to sleep at night while it’s 30 degrees. Impossible. 

Even if you do have A.C., if you pay a power bill, you’re going to get shanked in the wallet in a way similar to how ol’ Julius got shanked 23 times.

June is on thin ice too. It can’t figure out if it’s a summer month or a spring month, sometimes it’s still fun, sometimes it’s fiery. I don’t trust June and you shouldn’t either.

Every other month is pretty nice in its own special way though!

January brings the new year, February brings discounted chocolate, March brings the start of spring, April brings discounted chocolate, May brings my birthday, June… September brings the beginnings of the spooky season, October brings free chocolate, November brings discounted chocolate, December brings free stuff (including but not limited to chocolate).

Perhaps in a few years climate change will be fixed and the misery of those pretentious emperors’ months will be forgotten, and we can rename them to honour Anakin, or in memory of all the burning squirrels. Until then, when that fence-sitting June rolls around, start preparing for ungodly clothes, skies covered in the smog of smoke from forest fires, and worst of all, the ungodly heat.