To make Munchies elite, the Cheetos we must yeet

The Munchies Original Snack Mix is a good ol’ mix for when you can’t pick a snack to commit to. 

I still remember the glorious day when I first laid my eyes on this four-in-one masterpiece of a chip bag. The cold rain, the terrible day at Dollarama — my safe haven — where the oh so properly poised Munchies bag of chips sat — comfort amidst a chaos of choices. 

That night, I put on a classic movie and enjoyed four different snacks in one bag while cuddled up in warm blankets with the pitter patter of the rain on the roof. Truly a core memory for me. 

I do, however, remember being absolutely infuriated by the amount of Cheeto dust I was covered in by the end of the movie. It felt like I got baptized by the power vested in the Oompa Loompas. In the time it took me to dust the Cheeto off, I could’ve watched another movie and changed my sheets — a total betrayal.

What a magnificent chaotic bag, with salty pretzels, crispy Sunchips (token healthy chips to keep you guilt-free), Cheetos, and my personal favourite — Doritos, the backbone of the bag. These triangular chips, with their unconventional shape and the masa dough, which gives you that perfect crunch, are bold. 

The cheese is generous and complimented with other spices like paprika and garlic, and the best part is, unlike the wiggly cheese powder grenade that are the Cheetos, they won’t leave your fingers completely covered in radioactive-looking cheese dust. They have got just enough to satisfy you with the flavour, sans the dreaded cheese explosion. 

Without Doritos, a Munchies bag would just be a wannabe trail mix bag with an identity crisis. They are simply the best, no contest.

Now, let’s talk about the worst offender — Cheetos. This bright orange unruly looking snack is like that one relative who no one likes but gets invited to the wedding anyway, only because they share the same name. 

In this case it’s the cheese, the horribly artificial and oddly sweet cheese that sticks to your fingers like glue. One moment you’re eating a Cheeto and making a face because you were hoping for a Dorito, and the next moment, not only does it look like a crime scene, but you also cannot touch your phone, your drink, or literally anything without leaving a trail of powdered fake-cheese regret. 

This airy mess doesn’t even have a crunch, they just disintegrate. The stale packed-peanut-like texture makes unfulfilled promises of a crunch and gets stuck in your teeth like a wet cotton ball. They don’t give the salty and bready satisfaction of a pretzel, the thin crunch and mental satisfaction of the Sunchips, or the bold bite of a Dorito. All they give you is disappointment, teeth problems, and attachment issues.

Would Munchies be better without Cheetos? Yes, 1,000 per cent, yes. Imagine a world where every handful is a perfect mix of salty pretzels, bold Doritos, and crunchy Sunchips — without the disappointment of grabbing a stale, puffed-up cheese trap. 

It’s time to banish the Cheeto. Munchies deserves better, and so do you.

#ChuckTheCheeto.