Unmasked: The Easter Bunny’s off-season chaos

Every spring, the Easter Bunny rises from his hole in the ground (or possibly a mid-range condo in Kelowna), stretches his hoppers, and prepares for the busiest day of his year — Bunny Christmas or the Grand Hopping. This year, it lands on April 20.

But have you ever wondered what his life is like after the sugar-filled fiasco is over? 

I tracked him down. Not in a cool spy way. More like followed a trail of empty dill pickle chip bags and glitter until I found him holed up in a lakeside cottage in B.C.

It took three bribes and one heartfelt speech about Canada’s untapped talent in seasonal mascots to convince him to sit down for an exclusive interview.

“Let’s get this over with,” he said. “I’ve got therapy at 3:00.”

𖠌 Revelation #1: He summers in Vegas. Obviously.

“After Easter, I like to decompress,” he told me, sipping what I’m told is carrot juice but suspiciously looks like a mimosa. He dons a red and white robe embroidered with the phrase “Hop Off.”

“I hit the slots, see a few magic shows, and host ‘So You Think You Can Hop?’, a semi-annual underground dance competition. I win every year. Rigged? Maybe. But who’s gonna argue with a six-foot rabbit?”

He showed me some footage. Buddy can move. If hopping in circles were an Olympic sport, he’d be wearing gold.

𖠌 Revelation #2: He’s in therapy … for obvious reasons.

“People don’t talk enough about the pressure,” he says, visibly sweating through his fur. “Santa has elves. I have … me. Millions of homes. No unions, no breaks, and I’m expected to leave chocolate with no fingerprints? Do you know how hard that is with paws?!”

He pauses. “Last year, a toddler tried to bite my thigh in a Surrey mall. I’ve seen wars. This was worse. I still flinch when I hear the Peppa Pig theme.”

𖠌 Revelation #3: He doesn’t like chocolate. He never has.

“Oh, God. No,” he says, recoiling. “Do you know how often I’m around that stuff? It’s in my fur. My car smells like cocoa year- round. I’m more of a chip guy. Dill pickle if we’re being specific.”

Honestly? A Canadian king.

𖠌 Revelation #4: He’s in a feud with the Tooth Fairy.

“It’s petty,” he admits, adjusting his tiny sunglasses. “But she started it. She called me a ‘fur-coated Pez dispenser with commitment issues.’ I retaliated by leaving a single jellybean under a pillow during her shift. We haven’t spoken since.”

Rumour has it they haven’t spoken since a folklore convention in Banff went south. Something about dental sabotage and a poorly timed karaoke duet of “Shallow.”

𖠌 Revelation #5: He accidentally invested in NFTs.

“Look, I didn’t know!” he cries. “Someone told me ‘digital eggs’ were the next big thing, and I got excited. Next thing I know, I’ve spent 80 per cent of my savings on a pixelated bunny with laser eyes named ‘ThumpETH.’”

When asked how he’s recovering, he mutters something about side-hustling through a weirdly successful Etsy shop. 

𖠌 Revelation #6: He’s dating Cupid.

“It’s casual,” he shrugs. “We met at a mythical creature mixer. He’s fun. He showed up late. I hid eggs in his quiver. Classic bit. He didn’t laugh at the time though.”

When asked about how the relationship works long distance, he says, “We’re both seasonal. It’s like academic dating but with more glitter.”

Honestly, power couple vibes. Seasonal icons with commitment issues? It’s giving a Hallmark holiday special I would absolutely watch.

𖠌 Final thoughts from the Bun.

I ask B (that’s what he asked me to call him) what he wants people to remember.

“I just hope kids out there know that I’m doing my best,” he says. “It’s hard out here. I pulled a hamstring last Easter launching over a hedge in Burnaby. I’m not 300 anymore.”

As the interview wrapped, B tossed a handful of glitter in the air, looked me dead in the eyes, and said, “You didn’t hear any of this from me.” Then, he disappeared. I guess he picked up a few tricks from Vegas. 

Until next year, B. Stay weird. And moisturize those hoppers.