Tales from the ice: Penguins vs. Donald Trump

You have surely heard of the trade war between the U.S. and other countries around the world, but have you heard of the trade war with penguins?  

Last month, U.S. President Donald Trump announced during his grand “Liberation Day” speech that Heard Island and McDonald Islands will be included in his global tariffs plan. The ironic part is that they are completely uninhabited by humans. 

These islands are home to mainly seals, seabirds, and lots of penguins. There are absolutely no humans, no imports, and no exports.

Are you confused? Well, so were the penguins.

I managed to track down Sherill — the oldest, grumpiest penguin — and convinced him to give us an interview. (It took three fish bribes and a lot of convincing.)

Q-and-A: One penguin resident’s response to the bizarre tariffs

It was a great, not so cold morning. I woke up to a huddle of penguins chatting about tariffs and nearly slipped off a rock. I mean, they don’t have roads, stores, or trade. So what exactly is the U.S. taxing? Snowballs? 

Me: Sherill, what was your first reaction to hearing about the tariffs?

Sherill: First, I thought someone had eaten too much fermented krill and was hallucinating. But then I saw the seagulls crying. That’s when I knew it was serious.

Me: What actions are the penguin community planning in response?

Sherill: Retaliation, of course. We’ve banned all American sea creatures from entering our waters. No dolphins, no crabs, not even a single passing fish from Florida.

Me: And what’s the mood in the colony like?

Sherill: Disappointed, mostly. But also determined. We’re cold, we’re fluffy, and we don’t forget. This isn’t just about tariffs anymore. It’s about respect. You slap us, we slap back — with flippers. Politely, of course.

America’s justification for imposing the tariffs on the islands, and the penguins’ response 

U.S. Secretary of Agriculture Brooke Rollins (a Trump official) was grilled live on CNN by anchor Jake Tapper. 

“You’re imposing a 10-per-cent tariff on the Heard and McDonald Islands,” Tapper said. “[They] have zero human inhabitants. They had zero exports. They had zero imports. They do have a lot of penguins.” 

Rollins chuckled and attempted to dodge the question, claiming it was all part of putting America first — though she admitted she didn’t actually design the tariff formulas. 

Despite the remote, icy location and complete lack of infrastructure, the Trump administration insisted that the islands were among the nations engaging in “currency manipulation and trade barriers.” 

Even more confusing, the U.S. reportedly imported $1.4 million USD in products from the islands in 2022, mysteriously categorized as “machinery and electrical.”

Penguins everywhere were reportedly stunned. 

“We barely mastered ice sculpting. Who’s exporting circuit boards?” Sherill, unimpressed, flapped his flippers and muttered.

“Typical human nonsense. We invent a fish-powered hover sled and suddenly we’re a threat to the economy.”

Well, this penguin-versus-president saga might sound like a joke — and it mostly is. But underneath the humour lies a flipper full of real concerns.

The inclusion of an uninhabited wildlife sanctuary in global tariffs highlights how automated — or careless — policy decisions can make a mockery of international trade.

So until further notice, American sea cucumbers and fish from Florida better find another place to swim. Heard Island and McDonald Islands are officially closed for U.S. business.