Pop Cult: Brainrot bullets, Sephora brats, and the problem with raspberry coulis

Jimmy “wack job” Kimmel is back on air!

And so am I, haters. Did you miss me? Well, you certainly missed Kimmel, didn’t you? 

The host received a standing ovation from his audience during his first monologue back on Jimmy Kimmel Live! after an interesting interruption that lasted about a week long. 

A lot happened during that week — for Kimmel, for Team Conrad, Jeremiah haters, Tylenol, right-wingers, and President Grump.

Now clearly, besides threatening a TALK show host’s freedom to speak, President Grump had other presidential duties on his plate. Like claiming that Tylenol use during pregnancy and childhood is linked to autism.

“I want to say it like it is, don’t take Tylenol. Don’t take it,” Trump said during an official appearance at the White House. “Fight like hell not to take it.”

Health Canada has said there was “no conclusive evidence” of such side effects, but surely the president knows better than Canada’s health agency.  

Kimmel did make it back on air. With the highest ratings in over a decade. Imagine being a talk show host and being fired for talking. Can this post-suspension formula be applied to grades, too? Or hear me out, what if Grumpus gets suspended for a week?  

Let’s also just quickly circle back to what started this whole thing — Charlie Kirk, the conservative activist who was shot while speaking at an event on the campus of Utah Valley University. Kirk was allegedly shot by a 22-year-old who had inscribed gen Z-coded language on the bullet casings found with the suspected murder weapon. One of the messages read “If you read This, you are GAY Lmao.” Oh, you will be remembered, Kirk. 

When questioned about the inscriptions, 50-year-old Utah Gov. Spencer Cox replied, “I will leave that up to you to interpret what those engravings mean.”

You know what, grandpa? Sure. 

The Summer I Turned Pretty is getting a movie. At least there’s something to look forward to now — my Wednesdays were starting to look awfully boring. I would rather mentally exhaust myself thinking of Conrad’s two seconds on screen than take up a hobby. I hope the raspberry-coulis-70-per-cent-cacao cake finally makes its long-awaited cameo at the wedding. Perhaps, Jeremiah would finally make up in the kitchen for what he did on screen. 

While we still have to wait another three months for a movie (the rumoured release date), our favourite English teacher (cough, cough) should keep us amused with another perfunctory album, which will also be getting its own theatrical release. Maybe she’ll let Jenny Han use the new songs in the movie for free, too. Or at the cost of Jere, who knows. 

Rhode is now at Sephora. Get your glazing milk and peptide lip treatments before 12-year-old e.l.f.s start hitting up the store to stock up for their back-to-school craze. On Wednesdays, we wear Rhode.

People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive poll is back, and don’t you worry — I took the 14-question quiz for you, and dare I say, it wasn’t easy. I just found out Lewis Hamilton is 40? Why didn’t Yearnrad Fisher make it into the sexist new heartthrob category? Reducing him to just the sexiest green flag category is disrespectful and not *completely* true. If there are red flags and green flags, then bro was definitely beige. 

Why is there a question about who the sexiest country singer is? I thought we all collectively despised them.

Now for some quick updates.

Tell me why the University of British Columbia got a Sephora vending machine before us? Don’t they already have enough?

Rihanna has another kid. It’s a girl. Sigh, we’re never getting a tour.

Zac Efron and Nina Dobrev were “being friendly” on a yacht in Italy? Guys trust, she can fix him. 

That’s it, losers. That’s the update. L8er skaters.