Sip happens: A social critique of your water bottle (and you)

Water bottles are the new personality indicator. Whether you’re carrying a Stanley or sipping away at the water fountain, it says a lot about how seriously you take your hydration and, by extension, yourself.

Let’s dig deeper — hopefully creating a well — into what your bottle implies about you. 

Hydro Flask 

You’re a retired VSCO girl. You are responsible for saving sea turtles and not losing the lid. Whether it’s hot or cold outside, your water is insulated and at that perfect drinking temperature. You probably have had that bottle since 2019 and are fiercely loyal to it. Trends will come and go, but the Hydro Flask stays and hydrates. 

Stanley Cup (and dupes)

You don’t like sharing your water (somebody had to say it!) because who else would want to sip from an uncovered straw — and if you bought a topper, you probably lost it. With arms of steel, you lug that entire jug of water all day like a crown that’s too heavy for your head. Your grip and wrist strength is constantly increasing, and so is the amount of water in your body.

Your water bottle’s backpack is stuffed with fancy granola bar wrappers, and you probably sold your soul to the capitalists.

However, if you have a Stanley or Owala dupe, you don’t stand with the capitalists. In this economy, you know saving a few extra dollars is the way to go. 

Owala

The kingdom’s pride and honour — whether you have the Owala FreeSip or the FreeSip Sway. This bottle is a two-in-one sip-and-chug-friendly hydrator that is constantly improving.

The Owala FreeSip Sway is here with a better handle, two extra spring coils, and more water capacity. This bottle has great colours and is known to often influence the very look of the owner. If you’ve got one of these, you are indecisive but aware. Your choices are practical, and you make good financial decisions. 

Glass bottles 

He protecc, he attacc — but most importantly he cracc. You think that plastic is a creation of the devil and probably like to play Dress to Impress. You even dress your glass bottle in a slutty silicon sleeve that exposes the water inside but covers the bottom.

This bottle is going to crack, and you know it. Living in constant fear is not worth the aesthetics of the lemon floating in your water. Do better.

Plastic non-reusable bottles

You have a privileged white man mindset. You probably don’t drink tap water and have avoidant attachment issues. Why are you dedicated to buying bottled water of the same brand every time but cannot get a reusable bottle? You want the benefits of stability without commitment.

This poor bottle often gets crushed because of your unpredictable temper and gets tossed into the bin or flung at someone’s face — but only after many bottle flip fails.

Bottleless

You are raw dogging life. You either have chapped lips and constant headaches or a friend with an Owala you’re constantly drinking from.

What is interesting is that you are also the most level-headed of the group and major life events do not scar you too emotionally. Relishing the cold water — even during winter — that flows from the water fountains without drenching yourself is a skill, and you have mastered it. You have perfectly healthy teeth, too. 

Whether you clutch a Stanley as though it were a bejeweled chalice at court, remain a loyal guard of a Hydro Flask acquired in your youth, or scandalously wander the world with no water bottle at all, one truth reigns supreme — hydration has become deeply, almost embarrassingly, personal. 

Drink water wisely, dear reader. Or don’t. But know that this author is always watching, whispering, and, most importantly, writing.