Snowpocalypse: When Raincouver forgets how to Canada

It all begins with some wet snowflakes drifting down in Vancouver — and suddenly folks are immediately posting “Is this snow?” on Instagram. 

By the time it snows some more, the city has emotionally clocked out.

We are rain. We are mist-kissed people. We love H2O, but snow is where we draw the line.

Unlike our Prairie cousins, we do not greet winter with cows and boots. We welcome it with confusion and a light wool sweater or jacket.

Although now entering springtime, Metro Vancouver has been no stranger to polite dustings of snow. But during the rare times the Lower Mainland transforms into a winter wonderland, what actually happens?

I think you already know where the first major plot development occurs — the Alex Fraser Bridge!

Bumper-to-bumper traffic does its thing. People soon get frustrated and start frantically rechecking Google Maps like their ETA didn’t just triple. They’ll eventually accept their fate and start listening to a podcast about resilience. The driver next to them has made peace with their surroundings and is rating nearby clouds for the fourth straight hour.

Meanwhile in Calgary, drivers are navigating -25 C conditions like it’s any other Tuesday. Snow is not a personality trait there, but neither is the Stampede here.

Winter fashion has a different meaning in the Lower Mainland. Vancouverites will emerge from their home in Blundstones or Uggs, fingerless gloves, a beanie, and an old bag that weighs 14 pounds because it absorbed half of the Pacific Northwest.

It seems like nobody here has discovered the concept of layering. Over in Edmonton, people own parkas fitted for Arctic expeditions and salt in bulk for their driveways. They anticipate the weather for every season. But in Vancouver, we respect “aesthetics.” People are stuck between the choice of doubling down on their non-snow-proof fashion or finally admitting they need boots that mean business. 

Public transit in Metro Vancouver deserves its own limited series. At the smallest sight of snow, expect echoing announcements of major delays and commuters to be in a bad mood getting to and from work.

Across the country, Toronto residents wake up in 20 centimetres of snow and simply sigh while putting on boots that feel like they were engineered by NASA. They then proceed with their day as though it’s sunny out. Whereas in Vancouver, snow means brunch is cancelled.

But what if Mother Nature actually decided to make Vancouver cold and we become known as a snow city? We would have to pivot our branding — say goodbye to Raincouver. 

Tourism campaigns would roll out a new tagline: “Come for the sushi, stay because your flight is delayed.” Advertisements would display stunning condos with glacier views.

Would this mean we’d finally invest in snow infrastructure? Or would we continue to treat the snow like we treat umbrellas: optional, situational, and slightly embarrassing?  

The rest of Canada watches us attempt to brace the snow as entertainment. We’re like their coastal relatives who discovered winter for the first time. Plus, snow panic is adorable. 

While we are dramatic, we are also resilient. Vancouverites are adaptable and smart people who plan things out accordingly and reconsider situations as they change. Who knows, if you gave us the time, we could buy weather-appropriate boots, stop acting surprised every December, normalize installing snow tires, and develop strong opinions about pavement salting techniques.

We might even grow proud of being chilly. Imagine the glow-up Vancouver would get for not only being famous for cherry blossoms and the sea wall but also glittery winter mornings and competent snow removal.

However, getting back to reality, snowfall in the Lower Mainland just leads to memes and blocked bridges. The snow eventually melts, the rain returns, and we exhale.