The Last Timbit: Let the cringe begin

They actually did this. To celebrate Tim Hortons’ 60th anniversary, Bell Media Studios produced a musical called The Last Timbit. 

To gear up for this thing, I bought doughnuts and cookies from my local Tim Hortons, but even my favourite treats wouldn’t prepare me for this bizarre experience. Oh well, it’s time to take a bite out of this Timbit. 

For those unfamiliar with this stage play, let me bring you up to speed. Directed by Brian Hill, the movie is an 80-minute recording of a live musical that premiered in Toronto. It’s based on a true story about travellers and locals caught inside a Tim Hortons during a blizzard in Ontario. 

The story begins with a mother and her teenage daughter driving on an icy road. The snowy weather becomes too much for them, and they take refuge in none other than a Tim Hortons. They’re not alone — other customers are also there waiting out the storm. To pass the time, they compete in contests for the last Birthday Cake Timbit. 

As soon as the movie starts, the embarrassment begins with the cast dressed in scarves, coats, and toques. Do you know what the opening lyrics to the first song are? “What would you do for a Timbit?” 

Let that sink in as you read this. Did they really just sing that? I mean, what’s the subtext here? Is the play asking me what I’d do for a Timbit if my survival depended on it? I don’t know what I’d do for a stuffed ball of dough, so let’s just move on.

The film unravels one absurd set piece after another, making you squirm as you watch your local Tim’s turned into a stage for awkward musical numbers about Timbits and coffee. As the customers start singing, you’d think the play would stop there. But then, the Tim Hortons staff move from behind their counter, and you know what they did? They started singing, too. 

I won’t be able to step into another Tim Hortons again without expecting people to start singing about Timbits while I try to order my coffee.

The play is an on-the-nose marketing ploy to promote a coffee and pastry brand that, quite frankly, doesn’t need to break into song and dance to be a popular trademark of Canadian culture. From hockey cards to Smile Cookies, Tim’s has done an excellent job to secure its spot within local communities. There’s no reason for them to try this hard.

Once the cast springs out Timbit boxes and coffee cups as stage props, it’s pretty much a theatrical ad at this point. I mean, there’s even a Tim Hortons sign suspended above the stage, so if that’s not marketing, I don’t know what is. 

The musical does feel laughably surreal from the dead-on accuracy of the set, which includes baked good displays, T.V. screen menus, and even coffee machines. The production design isn’t bad for a play meant to be an obvious marketing tactic by Tim Hortons.

Characters are not that interesting, though, with their flat dialogue, weak jokes, and songs that sadly aren’t memorable. One person who made me chuckle every now and again was Shane, the park ranger, played with a matter-of-fact naivete by Degrassi star Jake Epstein.

Mature themes are decently pulled off by the third act of the play, where characters are grappling with the unexpected uncertainties of life. The play explores personal struggles from our fears of loneliness to the confusions of parenthood. The story, though, doesn’t dive deeper into these themes, so don’t expect a Tony-worthy performance.

So, was this musical really needed? No. It isn’t Singin’ in the Rain, and it certainly isn’t the next Hamilton. Still, if you’re curious about this movie, check it out on Crave and see what you’d do for a Timbit.