By Todd Easterbrook [Contributor]
We’ve all been involved, at some point or another, in the savvy unpredictable rat race called the dating world. Whether it’s at a coffee shop, bar, nightclub or even over the net, the realm of dating can seem like a zoo—an animalistic romp, sifting through appear-ances, personalities, and compatibility.
Approaching someone who tickles the fancy of you loins can be daunting at times, but what if it was ALL done for you? What if you could roll out of bed, hop in the shower, put on you best Sunday dress, head to Kwantlen and enter a room full of frothing, horny, not-getting-any singles and go on a date with all of them in less than a few hours? Sound like a good time? You are now entering the world of Speed Dating…
So you, ever ready to get your game on, enter a room compiled of desks in rows facing each other. There are people mingling and chatting, everyone is nervous and trying their dandiest not to show it. You conceal the flask in your jacket—just a little something to take the edge off, loosen yourself up a bit. You sit down at a desk and begin. The object of the game: to go on a series of quick dates with members of the opposite sex. The catch is, you are being timed. X is the constant here. The equation is you and him/her, an attempt to bridge the gap, as it were, trample the dividing line of inhibition, and ultimately end up with this person on a Polar Bear rug next to a dimly lit fire with a bottle of wine—two panting, sweating, gyrating naked bodies coiled in physical ecstasy; FUCKING EH! You know you want it.
Just make sure you play your cards right, refrain from standing up with a throbbing erection; make sure your boob doesn’t pop out (40 Year Old Virgin—though girls, this could potentially benefit you both); and no silly questions (“So what brings you here today?”—Stupid—dig deeper, or “What is your cup size?”—Grounds for a bitch-slap). And please, no soliciting for sex, it doesn’t matter how long it’s been it’s still a faux pas. Be honest and smile. Make your date(s) comfortable. Offer him/her a swig of pocket rum… Goddamnit just get it done! Who knows, you might meat… er—I mean meet the person of your dreams.
Girls, shave your legs.
Guys, remember your deodorant.
Guys and Gals don’t forget to trim the hedges.
See you there. I’ll be the guy with a cucumber in his jeans…