Top ten rarest/edible endangered animals

By Cole Griffin [Political Bureau Chief]

The end is nigh people! And, as the human race rides this ball of mud into the sun, we have a limited time to enjoy killing and eating all the delicious animals on it. So get ‘em while they’re gettable!

10.Buffalo: Honourable mention goes to the noble North American buffalo that were hunted near to extinction for their furs. While their population is on the rise – a naked Native American dries his tears – that might change when we all realize that not only is buffalo meat tasty, it’s a red meat that’s good for you!

9. Frogs: One day an older man will ask a younger man, “Is a frog’s ass watertight?” and that younger man will not know. He…will…not…know. But this one’s not entirely on us for once, as frogs are succumbing not only to increased levels of radiation and destruction of habitat, but they are also being wiped out by the Chytrid Fungus. This grows over their skin, slowly suffocating them to death. In the last 10 years over 170 species of frog have gone extinct.

8. Blue Fin Tuna: This amazing fish can live for up to 40 years and grow up to 150 kgs. It’s also a necessary component for the tastiest sushi that there is and so it must die. When choosing between our love for sushi and our need to preserve Mother Nature’s creation, there is really no choice at all.

7. Black Rhinoceros: These don’t taste good at all. That’s because what morons are ingesting is the horn. Stupid people with too much money think that the horn is an aphrodisiac. Time will tell if the invention of Viagra can save this beautiful creature.

6. Alligator Snapping Turtle: When they make turtle soup, do they serve it in a bowl made out of the turtle’s shell? I think that would be cool if they did, though maybe a bit grotesque.

5. Mako Shark: Sharks are cool. Killing sharks is not cool. Catching them, cutting their fins off, and throwing them back to die slowly is even less cool. How many cool animals have to die before Asians start eating less freaky foods?

4. Zoe Saldana: This rarest of rare creature can only be found anywhere outside of five hundred yards of me, in accordance with the terms of my release. There is only one of her and, court order be damned, she will be mine. When she’s mine, I will climb every inch of her with my tongue.

3. Caribou: A local favourite, caribou are perhaps the least gamey game meat. Also their furs are beautiful and their antlers are gnarly-rad. One day I want to kill a caribou with a bow and arrow, delivering the death blow by slitting its throat with a dagger I’ve hewn out of a piece of obsidian. Then I will drink in the animal’s spirit (a.k.a. blood), and wear its fur and antlers.

2. Chinook Salmon: Tinned, smoked, baked, candied, the many ways in which man has learned to enjoy the Chinook are all deadly to it. Farmed salmon have also introduced deadly parasites into the mix, so it looks like this poor suckerfish is on its way out. Good news is it’s not Sockeye Salmon, which is tastier.

1. Beluga Sturgeon: Peter the Great once sent Louis XV a gift of beluga caviar and, upon tasting it, Louis spit it out onto a priceless carpet. This black gold, that sells for around five hundred dollars a tin, has resulted in the over-fishing of one of Russia’s national animals. It’s so highly prized, laws have been made that punish sturgeon poachers with extreme penalties. Ironic, considering it tastes like crap.