How to use delicious culinary curses

Replacing curse words with the names of different foods is an appetizing alternative

(Kristen Frier)

(Kristen Frier)

Oh, fudge! Sugar-honey-iced-tea! Dank crisp! Sandwich! Twix! 

Wait, I’m starting to notice a trend here.

A lot of the time when we want to be profane in our day-to-day lives we tend to use the names of different food and drinks to keep things clean and professional. Like when we get stuck on that really hard question on a class assignment or when a troublesome customer stays 20 minutes past closing time.

Though you could just exclaim random food names whenever you feel the urge to let all the bad out, you wouldn’t want to sound like you’re speaking gibberish, would you? Or, perhaps, talking about an obscure dessert that you can only find hidden in the mysterious backroom of a bakery.

Although, who am I to judge?

Even in beloved children’s works like “Spongebob Squarepants” and the Madagascar trilogy, characters exclaim things like “tartar sauce!” and “sugar-honey-iced-tea!” These safer, more innocent-sounding placeholders go right over the heads of people who are none the wiser.

So, here are a few ways to censor your profanities with some suitable substitutes.

One way is to find a word that rhymes with your x-rated exclaim, so you can at least retain some of the mouth-feel from the word that you so desperately want to say, but can’t. Now, use this logic but with the name of a delicious snack! 

Last, but not least, saying a food corresponding to a letter of profanity is also what works, which I can speak from experience… a lot of experience. 

Along with some of the previously mentioned yummy turns of phrase, I, too, will bark out things like “powdered-raspberry-ice-cream-cake!” and “shiitake mushrooms!” when I need to get something off my chest.

Instead of saying your f-words, your s-words, your d-words, your b-words, your p-words, and so on, try spitting out the names of food, and who knows, you could relieve your stress and anger with some tasty and delicious catharsis instead!

So now, go forth with your savoury and sweet curses!