Getting that guy to leave

How to get ‘that’ guy to leave your party after it’s over

Art by Kristen Frier

Art by Kristen Frier

Parties are great. They are like group therapy sessions you can attend at a fraction of the cost. Hosting a party is an excellent exercise in developing your social skills and having fun, but eventually, there is nothing but relief when everyone takes off. That is until you sense that you’re not completely alone.

There, dancing in the corner of the living room, is that guy. 

The one who just won’t leave. The one who insists on staying despite there being plenty of cues to GTFO. The one who stays even after you tell them directly to their face to leave. If you’ve had this problem before or are afraid you might face it in the future, here are some methods to convince them.

Play Drake until they collapse

One of the more psychology-based and slower methods for deterring clingy friends is putting Drake on repeat. This Drake creature of which I speak is almost always present in every single major musical platform. You grab your loudest speaker, probably the one your grandma owned in the 60s, put it right in front of the friend, put on Scorpion, and let it play forever. Three songs in, and your friend will start to quake. Don’t be scared. Let this happen. It’s normal. 

Eventually, usually halfway through the album, that guy will fall limp, and you can safely dispose of them at your local adoption center. Don’t worry. They’ll go to a loving home.

Turn your house into a furnace

Sometimes, the most effective methods are the simplest. This works with any sort of unwanted guest, but in this case, turning up the heat to unfathomable levels can break even the most stubborn guy’s determination to stay past the time they’re socially obligated to leave.

If your home’s furnace isn’t capable of reaching temperatures uncomfortable enough to convince that guy to go away, you can start a fire in a barrel, preferably in the middle of your living room. 

Be sure to bring a fire extinguisher as well. Ask your parents for assistance if needed, but just make sure you don’t extinguish it before that guy’s gone.

Turn the TV to Keeping up with the Kardashians

This is certainly a taboo method and only should be employed as a last result. People who’ve witnessed this accursed show have experienced signs of severe brain pain, extreme lasting mental agony, and permanent lifelong visual hallucinations involving Kim’s bulbous behind. 

This technique will certainly succeed, but the risk to yourself is equally extreme when exposed to this show. Proceed with caution.

Raccoon attack force

This one is quite tricky, but it’s well worth the effort. 

Acquire a fresh raccoon from your local dump or garbage bin, and politely but firmly set it upon the un-leaving guy. Raccoons these days are plentiful, so copping one won’t be difficult. 

Naturally, the trash-panda will be confused, but just leave it alone in a kitty-kennel for, like, an hour, and then it’ll calm right down.

Remember, if you collect more than one raccoon, your chances of success at removing that guy from your home increase proportionally, and thanks to your striped comrades, that guy will never overstay his welcome at your house again.