How to lie about being late

Why blaming zombies, space, and cosmic eldritch horror works surprisingly well

(Kristen Frier)

(Kristen Frier)

We are all entitled to make mistakes sometimes. Mistakes make us stronger, even more so when we learn from them. Life would be dull indeed without the challenge of making constant errors in judgement. 

However, some mistakes, like being late for a meeting, class, or event, are so amateur that they warrant an absurd excuse to cover for them, such as “a plane crashed into my alarm clock,” or “my dog ate my car.”

Remember, the more elaborate the excuse, the better. 

“But sir! The zombie apocalypse has happened! It was really insane. You see, I was on my way to work when I got stuck in traffic. Suddenly, the car next to me opened its door, and some guy popped out and started attacking people! Pretty soon, all of these wacky people were swarming around on the road attacking one another. One of them knocked over my coffee, which really irritated me. Welp, good thing I’m here now. By the way, what’s for lunch?” 

Sometimes, it can be so amazingly silly and dumb that it transcends understanding, and the only thing your supervisor can do is nod along until they give up and leave you alone.

“But sir! My paperwork is in space!”

This is a great one because they almost never go check to see if you’re lying.

Be sure that your narrative deviates from reality enough to really bamboozle whoever you’re reporting to. 

“But sir! I’ve grown tired of the limits granted by mortal life, so I decided to acquire forbidden knowledge from beyond our world, turning myself into a devoted acolyte of the great Old Ones. By sacrificing my sanity, I can perceive the will of the great cosmic gods. Yeah, for the time being, I’m late for work, but soon enough we will all succumb to the control of our eldritch elders! By the way, what’s for lunch?”

It’s good to over-exaggerate every single bit of your reason, to the point when your excuse turns into a tale of such biblical proportions that engaging with it is more draining for that person than dealing with your lateness. 

In the end, the goal is to insult your boss’s intelligence so badly that it becomes logical just to accept the excuse.