Intellectually correct ways to survive the zombie apocalypse

Don’t let them drink your brain juices

(Kristen Frier)

(Kristen Frier)


You’re sitting in your living room, eating whole cans of beans, watching the History channel at 3:00 am and taking in a rare moment of peace. Suddenly, your show cuts to the news, and there’s an emergency broadcast. 

“Watch out! Zombie walkers are attacking people!” You sigh exasperatedly, changing the channel to Bush Alaskans and Moonshine on A&E. 

As soon as the show is about to get to the good bits where the hillbilly drama begins, some chap with half his face rotted away bursts through your window. 

What do you do?

There are certain events and scenarios that I’m sure you’ve thought of at least once, one of those being “how does one survive the zombie apocalypse?” 

You’d think it would be as easy as “yeah, just hit them in the head with a blade, it can’t be that hard,” but of course, things are never that simple. You’ll need all the brains and brawn you can get to take on the zombie apocalypse. So, here are some tips. 

Use cauliflower as fake decoy brains 

Zombies may have numbers on their side, but the thing they lack is the ability to think. Their only purpose in life is to munch on brains, no matter who gets in the way or what the brain is made of.

Studies totally not conducted by me have shown that zombies are somewhat susceptible to being tricked into munching on bunches of cauliflower, mistaking the fowl vegetable for their favorite cerebral snack. This has proven to be an unorthodox but effective method in eliminating them, as the sudden intake of healthy nutrients surges through the zombie’s system, rendering all motor functions truly dead and shutting down all undead evil. 

Blast overplayed songs until they return to their graves 

Blows to the head, ceremonial exorcism, garlic, and other old-timey methods of undead repellent have proven useful, but times have changed.

While a zombie’s main objective is to consume cranial material, even they have standards. Within that rotting head lies one single desire to end their suffering. By playing songs like “Living on a Prayer” and “Crazy Train” and even for the more daring, “W.A.P,” you can easily persuade anyone, dead or not dead, to leave your residence alone.

Get onto an elevated platform and take away the stairs

Zombies don’t possess the ability to do anything physical outside of shambling towards you. That includes being able to climb things. 

Getting up and destroying stairs is obviously impossible to do quickly, so your best bet is to get up onto a raised platform, and just enjoy yourself and eat your lunch or whatever. The zombies won’t be able to do anything about it. 

Reading Pride and Prejudice aloud until they die of boredom

This is the most practical of all the techniques. Take the most horrifically boring novel in existence by Jane Austin, set up a loudspeaker and a mic, and read as many paragraphs as you can. The zombie horde will immediately vanish, but you run the risk of affecting your own sanity by reading actual literature from the 1800s. Use at your own risk.