Snow day? Snow problem!

Creative ways to rid your porch of snow

(Kristen Frier)

(Kristen Frier)

Snow. Frozen, slushy water dropped from the sky onto your lawn to create one great big, wet mess. It gets even better when the previously-stepped snow starts to solidify during the freezing night, resulting in a slippery, dangerous situation. 

Here are some creative ways in which you can dispose of the slushy nuisance to your property. 

Inform Uncle Jerry about the snow’s arrival

Work smarter, not harder. In this case, the worst part of Christmas family parties can be used as a means to save your hours of labour. You know Uncle Jerry, the conspiracy theorist and confrontational man that is rarely invited to family celebrations. 

All you need to do is drag Uncle Jerry out into the snow, point to it and say, “That snow is conspiring with the government to hijack Santa and replace him with a body-double to send kids vaccines through gifts.” This will trigger Jerry’s programming into hyperdrive, and he’ll go about clearing all forms of snow from your porch, yard, and surrounding road. 

Summon a snow-sucking portal

Sometimes, the average snow shovel just isn’t going to cut it, especially against the hardened ice that has lovingly cemented itself at the end of your porch’s stairs. The technique of summoning a portal that only extracts snow is a tricky business. 

Trying to consult someone capable of tearing a hole through reality is no easy task, considering that the portal you are trying to summon could instead be the means that a creature or entity of unknown origin uses to enter our mortal plane. 

Some say that Slenderman exists because of somebody’s botched attempt at using a wormhole to extract snow, resulting in the gangly ghoul prowling the Earth. Having a portal professional on hand will mitigate any damage to property or population. 

Fire-breathing dragon

Another technique rarely used, due to the collateral damage that occurs when handled poorly, is eliminating snow with a giant lizard with wings (or without wings) that exhales flames. Naturally, in order to use this method, you must acquire a dragon, either as an egg or a fully-grown adult, domesticate it, determine what it eats and if it can discern what needs to be flamed and what does not. Note: a komodo dragon with a flaming propane tank attached to its head does not count in any way.