Big-brain methods for cleaning your clothes

Take a sniff, and thank me later

In this green and blue world, the cosmos favour those who take care of themselves, granting them luck, wealth, unlimited Vbucks, a soulmate, financial stability and maybe even their own private yacht. “Cleanliness is next to godliness” and the first step to achieving this enlightened state is to freshen your clothes, as maintaining personal hygiene is of utmost importance. 

Throughout the day’s work, your clothes lose their freshness. This is a problem that requires more than conventional methods. To achieve enlightenment, you must reject the temptations and conveniences of the normal world.

Normal people use a mixture of detergent and bleach to freshen up their clothes. This is the average and inferior method for such a task. Why smell like an average Joe? Everyone buys detergent and bleach.

No, we must go further than this. The need for absolute purity is necessary for humanity’s survival. 

Do not even bother using a washing machine, as it is just another example of being shackled by modern society’s restrictions. Reject modernity, embrace tradition. Citrus fruits like lemons are known to possess hygienic and cleansing properties, so you must buy lots of them. 

Buckets, boxes, crates, even truckloads of lemons to fulfill the need for purity. Apply them until your clothing is thoroughly soaked with lemon juice. You know you’re succeeding in the pursuit of cleanliness when the sheer air around you causes your significant other and peers to cringe up as they absorb your sour beauty and freshness.

Ignore them, for they shall never know the euphoric clarity of being truly clean.

Sometimes, even natural remedies like a million lemons aren’t a feasible option. After all, coughing up the dough to accrue such a number of sour fruits.

In this case, we must take ‘purity’ to the next level, from research conducted by me in a professional manner, utilizing the magical properties of nuclear radiation to eliminate all forms of odour on your clothing. 

Your skin may outright start dissolving, but this is a worthy sacrifice in the transcendent journey to being pure.

Your clothes will become so clean that they’ll become invisible. Pretty soon, your body will become like the air you breathe. At this point, you will have achieved the ultimate enlightenment: a state of cleanliness so pure and untouched that nothing, not even the visible light spectrum itself, can dirty you or your clothes.