Top three excellent but terrible life hacks

Make life easier with these effective but chaotic tips and tricks

(Art by @RESLUS)

(Art by @RESLUS)

Life is full of mysteries and challenges. Humanity’s penchant for survival has resulted in the adaptation to and overcoming of these hurdles. The very best of these tricks we pick up along the way are sometimes referred to as “life hacks,” which exist to make life easier. 

Hate scraping ice off your windshield? Pour warm water over it! Hate paying for parking? Just park somewhere else! 

Although these next life hacks are useful, only the most daring among us should attempt to use them.


Turning your car into a boat

Everyone wants a boat. Whether to plunder the seas as a swashbuckling purveyor of piracy, or to zoom out into the great blue sea and take in the brisk salt air. Owning a boat is a totally realistic and fulfilling goal that everyone wants to achieve. 

One fact that everyone knows is poured into water, oil will stick to the surface. If applied with enough quantity, any object can float when slathered with oil atop water. What you need to do is completely bathe your car tires in oil until all four of them are saturated in it. After you attach them to your car, you can now traverse through any and all bodies of water. 

You can imagine how shocked every ferry operator and boat driver will be when you are revving through Cultus Lake in your beat-up Honda Civic without sinking.


Using stolen satellites to gain unlimited internet

Trying to get a signal or connection is always such a hassle these days. 

Maintaining a decent internet connection is tantamount to ingesting enough oxygen, but of course, there will be a point where internet disconnection will occur. This existential crisis must be averted by any means and costs. 

Though it is still a scientific mystery as to how they do it, antennas — as we are all aware — have the ability to increase one’s access to the internet. Things download faster, and the internet connection is stronger. 

But why stop there? Why not get the internet forever and easily accessible, no matter where you are? There’s a trick to this. First, you must acquire exactly 44 orbital satellites and stack them atop each other. 

This may sound like a bit of an inconvenience or a hassle, but in the end, when you have assembled your 44G tower of unmatched internet access, not only will you pick up every station in existence, but you’ll also be able to hear alien transmissions. You may become the target of frequent FBI raids, but that’s to be expected. 


Connecting your home electricity to the Hoover Dam

Do you hate blackouts? Are you tired of fainting from seeing that ridiculous electricity bill? There’s a solution for you! 

For years, hydroelectricity has blazed a trail for clean, efficient energy. After all, so long as you have a running body of water, you can utilize that to generate energy. 

Not to state the obvious, but everyone knows there’s only one place that will suit your needs, and that’s the Hoover Dam. What you’ll need is an electric generator and at least 2,346 kilometres of high voltage electric cable. Hook the two up, and your house will have free electricity for life! You’re welcome!