Geese are here to ruin you
The flying menaces have it out for us and our families, and we need to accept it
Art by @RESLUS
When they see you, it’s game over. You stepped into their territory two metres back, ignoring the signs warning students away from their little corner of the Langley Campus, and now the fight for your life has begun.
They have the colours of a duck, the form of a swan, teeth because why the hell not, and the charisma of Kenneth from work who hasn’t had his morning coffee and is taking it out on you.
Fight or flight is the common response to dangerous situations, but for the geese? Flight is your only option. They are here to ruin your day and laugh about it with their friends.
As a local worker once said, “I do not like the cobra chicken.” Well guess what buddy, the cobra chicken doesn’t like you either.
Why do they do this? Why do they hate you?
A wise take would be to say that it isn’t personal, it is just in their nature or that they are protecting their young.
That would be incorrect. This false sense of security makes you a more vulnerable target to the fury of the cobra chicken, and not even a block of Uranium 235 and a bottle of Sweet Baby Ray’s will be enough to get you out of this unscathed.
Why are they territorial? Do they have a nest? Maybe. More than likely they just pick a spot to ruin your day. Do you have a favourite shortcut to get out of campus to the shuttle stop? Not anymore you don’t.
They seem to be especially violent during mating season. I don’t know if they’re biting each other but I’m not here to kink-shame. What matters is that they will bite you, and will not be timid about it.
It is important that you do not attempt to parlay with these beasts, the offering of tributes in the form of bread and seeds may seem like a good way to get on your local overlord’s good side, but this is a mistake.
If we were to apply the Canadian Goose to a dungeons and dragons alignment chart, one would think that they would be solidly in the chaotic evil category, but this is a common misunderstanding. In reality they are lawful evil.
Why you may ask? Because geese follow a strict set of rules in regards to their evilness and aggressiveness, so simple in fact, that you too can follow along.
Rule 1: if you are close to their nest, they will attack.
Rule 2: The nest is to be placed in the most inconvenient spot to ensure as many passersby as possible can be ambushed with the chaotic energy of a street performer asking for tips.
Rule 3: The nest is to be hidden so well that people have no way of spotting and avoiding it until they are already in range.
You must understand that for an apex creature such as the Canadian Goose, peace is never an option. Their mandate is to make war. Be safe, my friends, and be vigilant.
