How to make all new friends and ditch your old basic ones

You don’t need support anymore, you're a grown up

(Freepik/ Edited by Kristen Frier)

Post-secondary is a time for reinvention. Everything in our life changes besides our collective love of juice boxes and shared existential dread. We burn our old essays and buy shiny new backpacks, but for some reason a few of us keep people we knew in high school around. 

Well, no more. It’s time to ditch the idiots that were there for you when you were at your worst and find folks who aren’t sick of you already. 

You may already be well-versed in chasing people away, and it could be a miracle that anybody is still in your life. So what’s wrong with this old crop of stale suckers? 

Any reasonable John Jane or Jerry would have run for the hills by now to get away from your heinous stench and egregious disposition. One can only assume that their brains are smooth and dinky like an acorn. Or perhaps they are part of some grand scheme to take you down by first providing you with love and support only to turn on you in your hour of need. The only thing that is certain is that those hooligans cannot be trusted. 

There is only one surefire way to rid yourself of the cursed pests you have chosen to spend your time with so far — you must somehow become even more annoying. I know, I know, the truth is hard to stomach, but get the Pepto Bismol ready because there’s more. 

You must emphasize your worst features to become even more repugnant. Stop brushing your teeth for a while maybe, or perhaps take up stand-up comedy. 

Once you have successfully isolated yourself, go get yourself a cake that says, “Congrats! You’re alone!” You deserve it you glorious devil. 

Get yourself a new posse, folks to politely laugh at your humourless anecdotes, and applaud while you play the kazoo. First, you have to picture the friend you want, then promptly lower your standards and picture a new person. What do they look like? Do they do favours for you out of fear, or adoration? 

If you already have a special someone who is in your general vicinity, you can get a T-shirt that reads, “My Best Friend is named (insert name)” and follow them around for a while. They will get the message. If you didn’t have a name in mind, no problem. Instead of a name, put an arrow pointing to the left and stand next to people until someone bites. 

If they do bite you, that’s a dog, keep it, they’re better than people. 

Alternatively you could try and put sweet little notes in peoples backpacks and pockets that say “Hello please love me” or “Would you like to do my laundry?” Who could say no to such a tempting offer?

If none of these techniques work for you, then perhaps you are destined to walk this lonely road, the only road that you have ever known. You just aren’t appreciated in your own time, but that’s fine. Most of the greats didn’t have any friends or money either.