Recorders are an insult to the music industry
Recorders are borderline evil and owning one should be illegal
Recorders are often the first instrument a child learns to play. (ShutterStock/Fertas)
Imagine your life being free of worries and problems.
If you can’t do this, it is probably because you know what a recorder is. Yes, the squeaky cheap plastic tube that somehow qualifies as an instrument that most children, unfortunately, have come across during their years at school.
It’s a well known fact that the recorder has the power to cause a docile and sweet human to develop anger issues because of the horrendous, torturous high pitch sounds it produces. This is because the recorder is the closest thing possible to anything on Earth that can summon the devil. In a sane and just society, anyone who attempts to play a recorder should be heavily fined, and owning one should be illegal.
Why would anyone want to ruin the hearing abilities of children and punish them and their parents, siblings, friends, neighbours and pets for the whole year by forcing them to learn the recorder? There are much better options for woodwind instruments such as the clarinet or the oboe. I mean, they can be pretty annoying too, but their sound doesn’t come close to the distressing noise of a plastic wannabe child-flute at 7:30 in the morning before they ship off to school.
The world has bigger problems to deal with, like climate change, and the production of recorders is doing more harm than good to everything, not just our hearing and emotional wellbeing. If we decided to eliminate the recorder, maybe we will have a better chance at keeping our Earth free of plastic garbage and save our time to listen to actually tasteful and relatively soothing music, like dueling banjos. Or death metal.
Learning to play the recorder requires multitasking because it requires both hands, eyes, and breathing techniques. The individual must then dedicate countless hours learning this so-called instrument and to be able to read the sheet music. To simplify my point, there is too much effort required for a musical result that is only going to be subpar at best.
The phrase, “Work smarter, not harder” does not apply to the recorder. Learning the recorder does not do anyone a favour and instead can sever your relationships that you want to hold onto forever.
Recorders are the most unprofessional instrument in the music industry. I don’t know about you, but I have never seen a glittery purple instrument in a professional orchestra.
The recorder is traumatizing and should never be used as an introductory instrument. It might just do the opposite and ward off future musicians.
Besides, anything that can most commonly be found either in the trash or for eight bucks at a dollar store probably shouldn’t be something we take seriously as an instrument.
