Only big wrinkly brains understand the tentacle king

A deep dive into the mind of an octopus

Art by @RESLUS

The ocean is filled to the brim with secrets. Humanity has only discovered 25 per cent of the great blue sea, and there’s no telling what kind of knowledge is buried within. 

This brings me to questioning the supreme knowledge of the tentacle-clad lesser cousin of Cthulhu. I’m talking about what the octopus knows. 

Take it from the expert when I say octopus knowledge is perilous to seek out. Did you think that they were given such large heads by accident? This is no conspiracy, nor is it a tin-foil hat diatribe spewed out by disenfranchised 60-year-olds on Facebook. 

Octopuses are smart, it’s only logical that they’d be in possession of the most brain-expanding epiphanies and revelations. Exploring what the mysterious octopus has to share is a privilege, and it will change your life forever. Here’s a list containing a miniscule fraction of the chaotic things only an octopus can know. 


What the dog is doing 

Everyone wants to know what the dog’s doing. It’s a question that has been repeated time and time again, yet no one has the answer to what these four-legged angels are in the process of doing or at least explaining the action they are partaking in.

Animals share their knowledge via telepathy, so an octopus has no problem acquiring intel from its landlubbing canine comrades. My research has revealed that the octopi understand something about these furry friends we humans have been ignorant about for time immemorial.

The dog was, in short, plotting world domination all along. After it grabs a snack.


John Cena’s true form

The octopus knows a great many things. One of those things is the true form of John Cena, which only they can see. When you think of the aforementioned entity, you imagine a buffed chad, dishing out sick one-liners and throwing his opponents off of his shoulders, all the while repeating the phrase “you can’t see me!” 

However, this is not true. John Cena cannot be witnessed or conceived through normal means. This entity coats himself in a protective outer layer that renders him invisible to anyone with normal sight. 

In various dialogues exchanged with the knowledgeable octopus, I have discovered that John Cena’s true form looks something like a mixture between Piccolo from “Dragon Ball Z,” Shaggy Rogers at full power, and Ian McKellen dressed as Gandalf. Like all things, it’s unknown how the octopus knows this information, and it’s foolish to delve further into such matters.


What The Rock is actually cooking

There has always been speculation about what The Rock is cooking. Some say it’s harmless, like an apple pie, others say it’s nefarious like the infamous “Sky Blue” crystal meth from “Breaking Bad.” Not one person has ever pinpointed what it is that The Rock is concocting. 

Well, at least no recorded accounts by humans, for that manner. This is why the octopus has become the certified scholar on The Rock’s cooking skills. This is classified information so don’t share this with anyone else. 

I’m serious, no screenshotting or crossposting. Here’s what The Rock is cooking: beans, straight from the can, on a cast-iron pan with no oil. Satisfied? 

The octopus community has been swimming in untold knowledge for centuries, and has delighted in withholding all of this from human-kind. We could try to exact revenge, but it would be futile, because shooting them in the head with guns would be gross and they outweigh us in every other respect. They have 8 fucking legs and possibly all of them are penises. We’re doomed.