Legitimately useful ways to cool off this summer
From Pingu, planes, and Pluto, these ideas will have you cooled
Art by Kristen Frier
Hot weather is always nice. Everyone gets to go out, crack open a cold one, and bathe in the rays of sunshine. But as wonderful as the sun is, there are drawbacks. The folk who detest lathering up in oily sunscreen are blessed with a reddened hue and lots of ouchie bits all over their skin. However, there are new ways to cool down this year worth trying when all the air conditioning units are sold out.
Dress as Pingu and move to the Antarctic
There are countless memes surrounding the titular clay penguin and his signature “NOOT NOOT,” but this idea will not be watered down. The concept is simple: get a Pingu costume, preferably one with a voice modifier that makes you sound like the penguin himself and travel to the Antarctic.
When you get there, people will naturally stop everything they’re doing and gawk at you and penguins will stop everything they’re doing to squawk at you, dumbfounded by your awesome presence. Still, it’s hard to care for the opinions of lower-tier entities when you’ve become the epitome of “cool.”
Strap yourself to an airplane’s roof
Cooling off with an ice bucket is no longer going to cut it. Such treatment is temporary when deployed against the unending wave of radiation from the sky, so we have to be crafty to adapt and overcome such a hurdle.
If high enough in the atmosphere, the windows on a plane can get a little frosty. Even with the sun beaming down with all its fiery strength, it cannot affect you up there. Lots and lots of rope is required, and you’ll have to consider how this arrangement of rope can keep you attached to the airplane as it takes off and while you’re in the air. But, this matter is trivial in the pursuit of escaping the summertime heat.
Submerge yourself in Pluto
When worst comes to worst, ditch planet Earth and go to Pluto. Yes, the International Astronomical Union (IAU) demoted beloved Pluto from its position as the ninth planet in our solar system in 2006. Still, Pluto will always be a real planet in our hearts.
As such, it is the overall coldest planet to exist in our solar system, with temperatures dropping to a low -240 C. When all earthly measures fail, this is your final option to overcome summer’s relentless heat barrage.
You might become a human popsicle in the process, but turning into a frozen confectionary is only a small drawback to escaping the heated Earth. Besides, you always wanted to be a popsicle, you just didn’t know it yet. Don’t sweat it.
Summer is a great time, albeit maybe not a cool one, but by using these ideas you can avoid the inevitable fate of turning into human bacon in the next heat dome. Even though bacon is, like, really good, I wouldn’t want to become it.
