How to cure that Halloween hangover
Being haunted is just, like, so last season
Halloween has just about come to an end and it’s time to do the scariest thing imaginable: deal with the consequences of your actions.
Sure, use a ouija board to connect with the dead, and subsequently be haunted by a spooky child ghost who called you “dolly” and would drag you around the house by your hair, was cool during the month of October, but on Nov. 1 it’s kind of a faux pas.
Yeah, dating a goth who you never saw out of their vampire cosplay who drank your blood and “pretended” to like it for the sake of committing to the act was kind of hot when it was autumn. But as we approach Christmas, maybe bringing her out to meet grandma won’t go over so well. Besides, you’re anaemic and you’re going to need that blood to keep you warm and cozy.
And okay, maybe having a couple of skeletons in the closet made you stand out because you’re “not like other girls” who have closets full of clothes and a secret box of things they look at when they need a good cry, but it’s not very practical for the other months. It’s not like you can wear the bones as a fashion statement because you’re not supposed to wear white after labour day. Also, you’ll probably go to jail.
We’ve all been there! But how do you cure this Halloween hangover? By drinking raw eggs perhaps? Or maybe a sun lamp? No way buddy.
As the spooky season comes to a close, the only surefire way to rid yourself of residual hauntings is to become the scariest thing in the room.
If you make yourself so freaky, I’m talking 2010 pop star freaky, then nobody — not even ghosts — will want to hang out with you. As we know, glitter gets on everything and is impossible to clean up, so imagine Caspers dismay when all his friendliest ghost places get an extra thick coating of party dust.
I know what you’re thinking: ew. Also, what about vampires? If Edward Cullen taught us anything, it’s that vampires love sparkles almost as much as they love watching you sleep and alienating you from your father.
Well worry not! To keep bloodsuckers at bay you just have to mirror their already creepy behaviour. Beg to drink their blood to steal some of your iron back. Close your eyes and shriek like a bat at the dinner table and claim you’re trying to echolocate your Italiano. Imprint on a baby or something — I don’t know, I didn’t read the books.
As for the skeletons in your closet, don’t worry about it. We all have baggage and you are worthy of love, even if you are a criminal. The only thing you’re guilty of is being festive. Also murder, probably.
To dispose of the evidence and evade arrest, think about the planet for a moment. Reduce. Reuse. Recycle. Those bones can be used to make all kinds of garbage to be sold on Etsy. Crochet a vertebrae cozy, or better yet make a stew. Christmas is coming up fast and it’s hard to find the perfect gifts for your loved ones, so why not go homemade!
November only exists as a buffer between Halloween and the “Happy Holidays,” so take this time to eat a greasy breakfast, take an Advil, and sprinkle some salt around to keep the demons out. Just don’t reach for any hair of the dog, because werewolves pop up every month and they have sensitive scalps.