How the illuminati is behind your daily inconveniences

It's time to get illuminaughty

Art by Kristen Frier

Ever wonder why bad things happen to good people? Just the little things, mind you, like when you can’t find your keys, the hot water runs out, or when you miss your bus and get to watch it drive away around the corner. You may think it’s just bad luck, but it is in fact the illuminati’s latest endeavour to bring further misery into the lives of ordinary citizens. 

Just like how every person has an assigned FBI agent watching their browsing habits, you now have an agent following you everywhere. Dressed in full black outfits, looking like green screen bodysuit men in spandex that you see on Halloween and have yet to be unlocked like a videogame character, they sneak behind you — no more than a few metres away at any time. 

They carry the tools of their trade. Vials of pre-chewed bubble gum to stick in your hair, under your shoe, under every single table that you sit down at, or on a railing that you brace yourself on. They also carry a bag of small rocks that they slip into your shoes when you are walking, when you take them off, or when you are driving they toss them at your windshield to give you a small shock and crack the windshield. 

On the subject of driving, they are the ones who cut ahead of you without signalling, forcing you to slam on your breaks. They are the ones who don’t yield and don’t let you merge even if you’re running off the road to merge onto the highway. They are the pedestrians who walk into the road as though they don’t understand the concept of a two tonne car and the damage it can cause in an impact. 

Even the mundane things are the result of their tactics. You thought you still had enough cream for coffee this morning? And you could have sworn you still had some eggs too? Guess who had a late night cooking session and left the dishes in the sink like an animal. And during those nights, they apply small amounts of glue in your pots and pans. Just enough so when you cook, there is a stubborn bit of food that absolutely refuses to come off no matter how hard you scrape and scrub. 

They are also responsible for the state of chip bags. Breaking into stores and opening the bags, eating some, crushing them to dust and reinflating them for your eating pleasure. They even change the dates on food so they expire just before you can eat them and maybe apply a nice bit of mould for good measure — hidden so you only notice when you get home and eat half the bag before it expires. 

When it’s time for laundry, you get three guesses as to why you keep losing your left sock and why things come out still damp even though it’s the third time in the dryer. Or why the washer and dryer time seems to change even though you know you checked it and it said five minutes left but it’s still chugging along 15-minutes later. 

Speaking of time, why do you think the last half hour of your shift feels so much longer than the first seven hours? Or why “five more minutes” feels like a geological age? Or when you’re having a good time, but that last hour passes by in a blink? It’s because your illuminati agent is distorting time around you, making it seem longer or shorter — whichever is most inconvenient for you. 

In classes, when you were positive the midterm or assignment was due next week, but there the professor is walking around the classroom collecting it. And that citation you were sure was going to be the mic drop of your paper, where did it go? It’s like someone came in after you and deleted a line or two, kneecapping your argument. 

Don’t bother trying to stop them, you’ll never see them coming. And no amount of tinfoil is going to prevent them from reading your mind when you say, “well at least ‘X’ didn’t happen” and rush to make your wishes come true like the gremlins they are. 

You can try to prepare, like leaving your house extra early because you know it’s snowing outside and you need to make sure you don’t miss your bus, but they’ll delay the notification to your phone until you come back inside after standing in the snow for an hour straight to see that all transit is cancelled today and it sucks to be you.