Media that would actually send a Victorian child into a coma
It’s giving Gen Z
Pedro Pascal is literally older than poor little Agnes would have lived to anyways. (The Met/Oliver Tarbell Eddy/Wikicommons/Mike Mozart/Claudia Culley)
If you are one of those Gen Z iPad kids who spends an embarrassing amount of time watching TikTok, or worse, making them, then you’ll know what I’m talking about.
Here’s some moments that would, and should, send a Victorian child into a coma, respectfully.
P.S. apparently Mean Girls is a musical now, ugh.
Saltburn
First of all, for the people who went for Jacob Elordi and stayed for Barry Keoghan, talk to someone, you need help. And while we’re at it, stop judging my boy Barry for slurping the bath water as if half of you wouldn’t jump at the chance to do the same. Don’t pretend like you didn’t feel the feminism evaporate as soon as Elordi’s chiseled jaw and jacked bod made an appearance on the big screen.
For the rest of the movie though, I have no defense. Everybody and their mom was embarrassed, dare I mention the grave scene or the vampire one for that matter. Bonus points if you watched it with your parents, it’s such a family friendly movie — a true bonding experience.
Elordi may think he’s all that, but mind you, I haven’t watched Saturday Night Live (SNL) in years, and when I heard my man was hosting it, I put aside all the homework I had. Like any degree is worth as much as his opening monologue.
Calvin Klein ad campaign
Yes, let’s talk about this cinematic masterpiece. What is art, you ask? It’s Jeremy Allen White hopping around in his little boxers. Do I fall asleep watching it? Yes. Do I wake up watching it? Also, yes. Is it my Roman Empire? Definitely. This is the best thing that’s happened to pop culture since Pete Davidson’s infinite rizz tactics.
I’ve got to give it to the Calvin Klein marketing team. I will never be able to listen to “You Don’t Own Me” by Lesley Gore the same way. They know what they’re doing, messing with people’s minds, clever. On behalf of everyone watching the ad on repeat, you absolutely own us, Jeremy.
Let’s keep this PG-13 my mom and dad read these. Don’t worry guys, this is not the real me.
Pascal hysteria
If you were one of the people simping on Pedro Pascal, the man is your dad’s age, you’re going to jail. Go resolve your daddy issues because it ain’t right.
The downfall of Matt Rife
The comedian and “white boy flavour of the month,” Rife sent feathers ruffling when he made a joke about domestic violence on his Netflix special titled Natural Selection.
Rife’s insensitive joke only poses the age-old question of “Where do comedians draw the line?” Tis here. This is where they should draw the line. And as a personal tip for Rife’s dwindling career I would suggest he consider a career in modelling. Possibly with Calvin Klein, wink wink.
Ryan Gosling’s reaction to winning the Critics’ Choice Award for “I’m Just Ken”
You and me both, brother.
Sephora epidemic
You know what would be the last straw for a Victorian child? The one thing that would drive them over the edge? 10-years-olds. But not just any 10-year-olds, we’re talking smack dab in the middle of puberty, shoving and trampling people at Sephora, will punch you in the face for makeup ten-year-olds. Now, try throwing a Victorian child into that riot.
Stock up on all your Sol de Janeiros and Drunk Elephant products or those girls will deck you for them, rightfully.
